I’m very casually seeing a new guy who I’ve known for 2/3 months now. Things have progressed slowly and he’s been really sweet, kind, patient, just lovely company. But we kissed just over a week ago, and since then, he’s not been able to be around me and it did not turn sexual. It’s very overwhelming. I can’t even have a conversation with him anymore without him turning it sexual.
He’s never had a girlfriend before and is not very sexually experienced with women as a result. We’ve grinded on each other while making out, but even then it turns way too heavy and rough from him, and he’s a lot bigger than me so the force he uses ends up hurting me and I have to tell him to stop and slow down. We gave each other head, and he was so aggressive with me that the back of my throat ached for days, not in a good way. I told him he needed to be more gentle with me, and to remember that sex is something we do together and he has to think about how I’m going to be receiving it, and that it’s not just about him fucking me roughly. He was surprised, and felt really bad, and said he’s only really learnt sex through porn. If that’s the case, it shows. I don’t want to have to teach a 30-year-old how to have sex with a woman. We’ve slept in the same bed, nothing sexual has happened though, cos he was so unable to stop touching my body (my back and arms) through the night, as a result not letting me sleep (I told him I had to get up early for work so I’d have to sleep that night, I let him stay round cos I trust him and all the busses back to his had stopped for the night), and totally killing the mood. I told him I felt really anxious having to tell him to stop and “no “repeatedly all night. Again he said sorry and that it wasn’t the first time he’d been told that, and that he’d try to control himself more around me. He said he’s just too excited. Which would be sweet if it hadn’t all made me so uncomfortable. I’m not even looking forward to having sex with him anymore, which I’m sad about. I’m so confused. I feel like I’m wasting my time being made uncomfortable by him, but I like him in every other aspect. He honestly might be the one, THAT’S how much I like him otherwise. I don’t know if I should keep being patient with him, but I also don’t want to be his learning curve for how to have sex with women.
TLDR: Once we kissed for the first time, he started being very uncomfortably sexual and it’s making me overwhelmed. He hasn’t had much experience with sex with women outside of porn and he is too rough with me, and feels bad for it when I tell him this. I like him but don’t know if I’m wasting my time being hurt physically by him. I don’t want to be his teacher for sex, but he is perfect in every other way.
- You said “…I don’t want to be his learning curve for how to have sex with women.” You can leave a relationship for any reason. You have already made up your mind by saying this.
- I just want to say that there are two ways to interpret “I was too excited.” or “I couldn’t control myself. ” When you actually take a second to think about, either they actually can’t control themselves, which is scary, or they can control themselves and are choosing not to. Which is just as scary. Also the anxiety you feel shouldn’t be disregarded. I recommend you read “The Gift of Fear” by Gaven De Becker. Fear can often be a response to your unconscious seeing signs you aren’t consciously aware of. Too often women disregard or are told to disregard their gut feelings about something, often to their misfortune. Please stay safe and I hope you can work this situation out to your satisfaction.
- He may be inexperienced, but he’s 30. He can handle hearing no and actually stopping. He’s not perfect in every other way than you teaching him sex, because he isn’t really respecting your boundaries. You had to tell him no all night. That’s not sex. That’s respect, and a huge red flag. I’d run.
- This guy is bad news and you should stop seeing him. He’s older, bigger, and stronger than you, and he’s not respecting your boundaries and when you say no. This is very unlikely to improve. In my experience any decent man who’s a lot bigger/stronger than me is always VERY conscious of his size and strength and paying close attention to my body language (let alone my actual words) and making sure I’m enjoying myself. This guy isn’t doing anyof that. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being sexually inexperienced and being eager to take instruction and direction from your partner to learn new skills, make sure you’re doing it right, and try new things. That’s not what this guy is doing. He’s unwilling to take direction, he doesn’t stop when he is repeatedly told to stop, he just wants to do whatever he’s seen in porn without any regard for whether or not you’re having a good time, and he’s also completely unable to see you as anything other than a sexual object. These are all major red flags.
- Nope, absolutely not. This dude is too old to be pulling this kind of fuckery, idgaf if you’re his first girlfriend. I am very concerned that he’s going to escalate based on what you’ve described here. Trust your gut, OP. It’s telling you he’s bad news for a reason.
- Girl if you don’t end this immediately you are in for a world of bullshit. Every fiber of your being is telling you to get out of this relationship. Don’t ignore it. Listen and run.
- Next you’re gonna end up with a UTI because he’s not washed other places. Please, get the ever-loving-fuck out of there. A 30 yr old man that learned sex from porn. Who bruised the back of your throat? No ma’am. You are too old for this shit, and he’s way too old to be acting like this with someone your age (there’s a reason he’s not fucking 30-year-old women…I don’t care how great talking with him is). I’m also willing to bet that while you both gave each other head; he didn’t make you cum. Do you really want to let other parts of him inside you? If he treated your mouth/throat that way, it’s a good indicator of how he thinks P in V is supposed to work. And that’s sad/scary/all of the above. Please, there are sex workers. They get paid. If he really wants instruction, he can pay for it. Or find someone with similar experience level who is willing to go down that path with him (yikes).
- The anxiety you’re getting around him is your intuition telling you this man is dangerous. He’s inexperienced sexually but a 30-year-old man knows common sense and obvious communication. He’s intentionally ignoring the things you tell him. You wanna invest more time in someone who doesn’t accept your no? Don’t ignore red flags, especially this early in a relationship. And saying he might be the one after two months is an even bigger red flag. He might be love bombing you and making you feel extra special and amazing and “the most beautiful and perfect woman I’ve ever met in my life. I’ve never felt this way for anyone before. You’re just so perfect for me and I can’t imagine my life without you.” Sound familiar?
- Yeah I could’ve told you that simply from your ages, women his age don’t put up with that bullshit, but less experienced and naive girls (your age) definitely do. This explains why all his knowledge of sex is from pornhub and why he’s never had a gf. I wouldn’t put up with that either if I were you sounds really aggressive and unappealing.
- Think about this for a second. This man fully admitted that his only sexual experiences prior to you were through porn. He’s probably been watching porn from a pretty young age, likely 13-15. He’s been able to view women’s naked bodies on demand for many years. Any position, any action, any roughness with them he wants at the mere click of a button. He has been having these sexual experiences purely for his own gratification. He’s never once had to think about the needs and feelings of another person in a sexual context. He’s never once had to consider another person’s preferences, or what experience they might want to have. Up to this point, it’s been all about him and his needs and what he wants. And he’s been doing this for years. It’s going to be extremely hard to change him.
- Is it just me or did anyone else not believe that this dude is being honest, he knows what he’s doing and I don’t believe for a second he is just “inexperienced”, like he is trying to make it out like it’s his eagerness that’s the problem when I don’t buy that for a second. Trust your gut here.
- He’s a big pile of EW wrapped in a dozen or more red flags. You shouldn’t have to tell someone to stop something that you aren’t comfortable with multiple times. You shouldn’t have to feel anxious or uncomfortable because he can’t keep his hands to himself. And if he’s been told about his behaviors before and is doing it with someone else, he either learned nothing or doesn’t care about consent. Being “too excited” isn’t a legit reason—he’s selfish and cares nothing about your feelings. You really think he just didn’t notice he was being too aggressive during the head and overall? This man is not The One.
- Just nope. No is a full sentence. And it’s one he is willfully ignoring. That isn’t inexperienced. That’s him not respecting your body, your consent or your boundaries. He will hurt you worse if you have sex and say “I was just too excited”. I would nope out of this so quick. You deserve better Op.
- Well, I’ve dated guys who were virgins and the learning curve was never the issue. But they respected me from day 1, which is why our sex life was able to get good fairly quickly. I have also dated guys who have had a lot of ONS and dated, but who didn’t care at all about my pleasure or boundaries. Yes, he is a virgin, but that is not his problem. One sex session will make him a non-virgin, but i doubt his shitty self-control will improve.
No, sorry, he’s not the one. This is a huge problem. It’s not just sex. He’s not listening to you. He’s not aware that he’s hurting you. He’s not being considerate of you having to be awake the next morning. These are red flags. A lot of red flags. No means no the first time. Stop means stop the first time. Why are you okay with having to repeat yourself on your boundaries again and again? Why is a 30-year-old man who doesn’t listen to you and won’t control himself okay with you? You’re making excuses.