My mother (40F) and father got a divorce just over a year ago, it was a calm, mutual and civil divorce. Even though it was sad for me, as long as they were happy I was okay. On weekdays (Monday – Friday) I live with my mother, as it is closer to my school, and on Friday nights I go to stay with my dad for the weekend. My boyfriend lives just a 5-minute walk from my dad’s house, so he comes over a lot to hang out. This is important to know for the story. It was Friday morning and there was a gas inspection, so school let out early. Most of my stuff was already at my dad’s house so I headed straight there. When I got there I saw my dad’s car in the drive so I knocked on the door but no one answered, luckily I had a key so I let myself in. I called out for my dad and still no answer. I walked upstairs and opened his bedroom door to find him and my boyfriend on the bed butt naked. I was in shock and disbelief, they were in shock as well, I guess they thought I would still be at school and didn’t think I would be home. I didn’t know what to do so I just ran into the bathroom and locked the door. My boyfriend ran after me and called out from outside the door but I just ignored him. He waited for a while but then he left to go home. My dad came to the door and said he would be waiting downstairs when I am ready to talk. There was a silence in the house for a long while until I heard the muffled sounds of the TV. Then I quietly unlocked the door, grabbed my coat and shoes and went downstairs. My dad looked at me and asked where I was going and I told him I was going to stay with my mom for the night. I watched his face turn sad and kinda disappointed. He said that we needed to talk but I said that I needed space to think as he was just in doggie position with my boyfriend. I assured him that I would keep what happened to myself for now. Then I headed out. When I got home my mom was surprised to see me and asked why I was there, I just made up some lame excuse and went up to my room. I just laid on my bed in silence thinking. Now everything started to add up. Even though my mom and dad divorced, they both cheated, my mother with a co-worker (who she is now dating) and my mother found texts between my dad and some person. She said that the name under the texts was a male name but we just assumed it was a fake name to cover up the fact that he was cheating, but now I am thinking that it could’ve been my boyfriend.
There was another time where my boyfriend, dad and I were having dinner and my dad touched my leg with his foot. I looked up to him to see him staring at my boyfriend then I jokingly said ‘ew why did you touch my leg with your foot.’ And he just said he thought I was the table leg. I brushed it off because I also rub my foot on table legs at times, but I now I think that he trying play footsies with my boyfriend. I started to get a sick feeling in my stomach as I realised that my boyfriend has just turned 18, I have no idea of the duration of this “relationship” but this could mean that my dad was having sex with a minor. I have never see signs of pedophilia but now I don’t know what to think anymore. This is just two heartbreaks in one, my boyfriend is gay and cheating on me with my dad. We have been together for 2 years. I have no idea what to do.
Disclaimer: I have nothing against gay people or anyone part of the lgbtq community, I want my dad to love who he wants freely, but it just sucks that he is having sex with my boyfriend. Now I am lost, should I tell my mom the truth as she has been lied to for ages? Should I confront my dad about the situation? How should I move forward with my boyfriend? Friday is coming up and I am not sure I am ready to face my dad yet. Help!
- End your relationship with your boyfriend. That relationship has no chance of being repaired. Tell your mom everything. She is best suited to help guide you through this horrible time. I’m terribly sorry you have to deal with this.
- Tell your mother what happened but your relationship with your father will probably never be the same again. This is not the type of thing you easily come back from. As to your boyfriend, that relationship is over.
- I believe in the end you need to tell your Mom, there is a (custody? -) agreement in place after all. Tell her you don’t want to go stay with your Dad for a while (until you maybe feel more comfortable around him and had “that talk”, but don’t force yourself). With regards to your boyfriend, he’s in the past and he’s lied to you… also… obviously he slept with both men and women or man and woman (I have no clue) so maybe get some tests done to check if you are okay at least health-wise? But after all, you need maybe help processing this all, this is an absolute shock you need to deal with. But first you Mom and decide together with her how to proceed from then on. If your boyfriend was in fact a minor when this started, that’s a whole other story. You would need proof… but first things first, open up to your Mom.
- Your boyfriend and dad do not deserve a place in your life after this. This is betrayal and you don’t owe them silence or respect. Tell the people who care about you so you can heal. I would also recommend cutting off your dad and moving out. He pursued a relationship with your partner of 2 years. If he’s capable of hurting you like this once, what’s to keep him from doing it again? You deserve so much more from the people you love.
- You need to tell your mom and to not go back there. She should be the one to confront your dad and comfort you. You need to get an STI/STD test in case you had sex with your boyfriend and he has anything or caught something from your dad. Before you ghost him; Text or call your boyfriend to find out how long this has been going on, I’m not saying for you to stay with him only to hear his side of things in case he was groomed or something happened when he was underage. If it’s possible for you maybe look into therapy or talking to some at school or a trusted adult. I’m really sorry this happening OP
- Your dad is a POS. HE has been sleeping with a Minor and has NO QUALMS sharing your bf with you! No Shame and No Guilt AT ALL! DONT LET HIM PLAY VICTIM and sell you some sad stories about the not able to be himself (gay) openly or what not. I suggest to go NC on your DAD for life.
- Definitely speak to your mother. You’ve been betrayed by two of the most important people in your life and you need support while you work through your feelings and decide what you want to do. I’d suggest not seeing or speaking to either of them till you know what that is. It doesn’t help much, but your BF isn’t necessarily gay, but he may not have figured himself out yet.
- Your dad knew he would hurt you massively by doing this and he chose to do it anyway. He happily betrayed you because having sex was more important. He’s a creep and you can never trust him (or bring any partner around him again). I would honestly go no contact with him, at least for now while you get your thoughts in order. He didn’t even own up to it, he’d still be cheating if you hadn’t caught them. I’d block them both.
- Your dad is an old man and should’ve known better to do that to his own daughter. Your bf is a pos for doing that to you. Ditch them both and stay with your mom. Tell your mom because no one’s really gonna know what it’s like your mom. I hope things work out for you and you may need some therapy
- I wish more people would treat this the way they would if this were a heterosexual situation; I know it feels like you’re trying extra hard not to be homophobic, but that shouldn’t matter right now… it is equally awful and okay to be disgusted about. What matters is that your dad and boyfriend BETRAYED you (especially your dad, because he should love and support you unconditionally) in one of the worst ways you can betray someone. Your dad not only needs therapy because he is having sex with people much younger than you, but because he pursued someone his family member/child was dating. This shows zero to little regard for others. YOU need therapy because seeing your parent have sex with your significant other is traumatic. I would go very low to no contact with your dad, and frankly would only agree to speak with him in front of a family therapist of your choosing.
- The boyfriend- break up and never see him again. The father- honestly I’d never see him again either. He cared so little about you that he was fine hurting you so he could have a bit of fun. Your father also manipulated a teen for sex. Make no mistake – your father is a predator. He’s fine with targeting impressionable teens to convince them for sex. This is no different than if your mom had been caught with your BF. It’s an absolute betrayal. And the fact that your BF was over before you would be home means he intentionally was there for your dad so it wasn’t like it was “one thing led to another”. This was absolutely intentional. I would never be able to speak to my father again. The line he gave you: “we need to talk” – no, no you don’t have to ever talk to him again unless you want to. He did something most people would find unforgivable. He really decided betraying his child to get his dick some action was fine behavior. He was fine usingyou as a cover to fuck a teenager. Tell your mother. You don’t owe secrecy to your father.
- I don’t generally believe in outing someone, but I also think your dad is disgusting for having sex with your boyfriend. What kind of parent goes after their child’s partner? You should definitely tell your mom everything you told us. This is not your shame to bear in silence.
- You need to tell your mum what happened, she needs to know your dad is probably a predator (and I don’t say that lightly). It depends on how long this relationship has been going on whether he is or not. Even so the age difference is very disturbing. Obviously you need to finish your relationship with your boyfriend, but remember, he may be a ‘victim’ in this, groomed by your dad for maybe as long as you’ve known each other or longer if they’ve known each other longer. I’m even wondering whether it’s worth mentioning to his parents in case he has been groomed. Whatever, they’ve both betrayed you horribly. I certainly wouldn’t be staying at your dads house any more after his disgusting betrayal and behaviour. Obviously nothing wrong with being gay, but not with his daughter’s boyfriend. What an utterly depraved thing to do. I’m even wondering OP, please update us on what happens
- Tell your mom. Do not feel bad about doing anything that might hurt your dad or boyfriend if it’s to keep you emotionally and physically safe and stable, that cannot be your concern right now. make sure you are safe, and have the support you need to get through this terrible situation. Depending on bf’s parental situation, his parents need to be informed as well, your mom can help you navigate that. They should know their son has been groomed by a 42-year-old grown-ass man. What the fuck.
- This is awful and shocking and gross and a million other things, and it’s got to be overwhelming. Tell your mom, go no contact with your BF, and live with your mom full time for a while, if not permanently. I’m going to leave your BF out of the equation for now – this is an unimaginable betrayal by your dad. I’m very sorry you’ve had to experience this. I’d suggest getting counseling. Also – understand that you don’t owe your dad anything. You don’t need to do anything to make him feel better about his awful actions. This is inexcusable behavior and reveals your dad’s lack of morals, ethics and character. Take care of yourself, and don’t keep this in. Let your mom (or someone) help you.
- Regardless of gender, people fall out of love. Mental health struggles just make parsing it all out harder. Personally, I’ve been pretty low sometimes. Even if I do express that I’m tired of being alive, I never would use that as a weapon to manipulate. That is not ok. That’s abuse. That’s my own shit. My ex cut me loose as I was literally on the verge of a nervous breakdown. It turns out it was the best thing for me. The abuse I didn’t see happening was mentally breaking me and triggering me to be a shitty abusive person in return. But the domestic violence counselors pointed out after a couple of sessions that they couldn’t continue, and I needed to leave “a month ago.” We keep in touch, but it was healthiest for everyone for that to end.
- Honestly, your father doesn’t love or respect you, nor should you give him love and respect. Not only would I personally cut contact, but I would make sure he never groomed another young boy. Maybe bring it up with your Ex-boyfriend’s parents. I think, depending on the age of your bf and statute of limitations, his parents can bring charges up against him (if they had been talking since he was 16 or 17). Tell your mum everything. You have no obligation to hold your father’s secret when he purposely used that secret to become sexually active with your bf. You deserve to share your truth. I would also get tested for STDs and the like. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but you will make it out of this. Good luck
- Tell your mother. She can help you navigate the situation. You don’t need to face your dad, now or ever really. He broke your trust and betrayed you then seems more worried about the truth getting out than your feelings. He used you to cover up his actions and behavior. You don’t move forward with your bf. This relationship will not survive. You need to focus on how you move on from, not with your bf. Lastly, I think your bf’s parents should possibly be told. Seems if your mom found texts dating from over a year ago, which is most likely your bf who just turned 18, that your dad groomed him as a minor. It’s not an issue of if your bf is gay, it’s an issue of if your dad started a “relationship” with a minor.
- I understand you were in shock, but you DO NOT owe your Dar any consideration or silence. If this has been going on for two years that means your Dad groomed your bf and had sex with a minor. He is not a safe person anymore. He never was but luckily for you, you are the wrong gender. You need to tell your Mother immediately. Every parent hopes their child will come to them when they are going through hard things. Please trust your mother. She will take care of this.
- It’s sad OP because you have two betrayals of trust here. Your father, who should be there for you all throughout your life betrayed you, by violating your trust and destroying your relationship. Your boyfriend betrayed your trust, by cheating on you and thus destroying your relationship. Both relationships are forever damaged. I would recommend that you get some therapy for this OP, as it’s pretty traumatic stuff.
- For a start you realise your dad was so insistent on talking with you because he’s trying to minimise the damage this does to his relationships with people and his image publicly. I’m presuming that he isn’t particularly concerned with his relationship with you because he wouldn’t be fucking your boyfriend if he cared that much about it. His “sad and slightly disappointed” face can go fuck itself, he committed one of the worst crimes a person can do to their kid and has forfeited any expectation of forgiveness and consideration from you. He is morally bankrupt. Dump the boyfriend, obviously. His cheating on you cannot be forgiven especially in this situation. He has betrayed you and was happy to do so as long as you didn’t find out. He doesn’t care for you enough to have avoided everything that has happened, even if you excuse his youth the chance of your father grooming him while he was underage, the fact is your relationship will not survive this no matter what you or anyone else does. Tell your mother. You need to have an adult on your side and this is going to come out anyway, you need to be able to stop lying to people to protect your dad and ex-bf, it will only muddy the water and give them a chance to construct some shitty excuse or counter-story to explain why you are cutting them both off. Despite how hurt you are; you need to at least put the truth out there so that you can stop having to hide how you feel around people. Also, YOU are the only one who gets to decide how you feel and react to this. Don’t listen to the “but family” apologists, you have been grievously betrayed by two of the closest people to you, and should you decide this is unforgivable, then it is. You have no duty to repair the relationship between you and anyone else, they have broken it, they get to live with the consequences, which you decide. Lastly, protect your mental health by giving yourself as much distance as you need from anyone who tries to interfere. You are the only one who knows how you feel and how you want to proceed, listen to your feelings and act on them. Take help from anyone who is supportive of you, and ignore anyone who wants to tell you how you feel.
- I think your dad is struggling with his sexuality and your mom probably knows more than she’s letting on. As for your boyfriend, he’s probably coming to terms with his sexuality, he’s at the age where he’s coming to terms as to whether he’s gay or bisexual. You need to have a talk and tell your mom what happened.
- If I were you I would have a conversation with my boyfriend first. I would ask him to tell me how long this has been going on. At least then you’ll have verification of how old your boyfriend was when your father started sexually grooming him. Then I would go to my mother and tell her and then ask her to go the police with you and tell them. Because make no mistake your father is grooming your boyfriend. The age difference alone puts your father in a position of power and he knows better than to do what he’s doing. There’s also the fact that he hid it from you and now he wants to talk about it. Does he have any kind of idea how traumatizing this is for you? Does he even give a shit? Because it certainly doesn’t seem like it.
- Well this is a story you don’t typically expect to see. Definitely break up with your boyfriend, no explanation could make that one right. Would keep your distance and not trust your dad? Whether you want to tell others what happened is your choice, but I recommend telling a trusted friend or get a therapist to talk this out with. I don’t think it’s good to keep this just to yourself. Get yourself tested for STIs, you have no idea if your dad or BF have been sleeping with others as well. Sorry this happened to you. On the bright side, good thing you caught this now versus later. Things will get better over time!