Found out my wife is a lesbian

Me (34m) and my wife (32f) have been together for 10 years, married for 7, and I think I never loved someone so much in my entire life. We met when we were still in college and became friends really quick. She was never really open about sexuality in general, but once I started to flirt with her, to my surprise, she was receptive. In one of our first dates, she told me the reason why she never talked about it was because she had a very low libido, and a few years in the relationship she said she was asexual (at the time I didn’t even knew what that was), and it actually made a lot of sense to me. We build an entire life together. We have a 5-year-old doggo that it’s my best friend in the whole world. We just bought our first house and we are both financially stable. We don’t have sex as often as other couples do, but there are occasions where it happens, like on holidays, my birthday, whenever something really nice happens, and those rare days when she surprises me. The fact that it’s such an uncommon thing really makes it all more pleasurable, and I always felt like I was in heaven every single time that we were intimate. But now it just seems like I was living under a spell this whole time. It started when I begin to notice how often I would catch her masturbating. I always thought that I was just imagining this because every time it seemed like she was trying to hide from me. I was always confused because she could literally ask me any time for sex that she knew I would do it, but instead she would lock herself in the bathroom or do it when I was out. One day I was looking at her Instagram and decided to check on who she fallowed (I was never curious enough to do that), and to my surprise, she was fallowing a lot of (mostly) more masculine lesbians. She always had lesbian friends and that never really bothered me, but since I saw that I started to get more paranoid that she was cheating with one of them. I let that stay in my head for months until I gathered enough courage to talk to her. And her reaction was nothing like I expected. She broke down crying, talking about how bad of a person she was and that she never wanted to put me in a situation like this. She went on about how she hated herself for hiding all of these years, how her family would treat her like garbage (they are extremely religious, so much that I thought it had to do with her repulsion towards sex) and how she didn’t want to lose me but knew that if I found out the truth, I wouldn’t want to look her in the face. And the truth is… I don’t know. I was so speechless that I just stood there. I still don’t know how to express what I’m feeling. Sad? Angry? Desperate? Heartbroken? I don’t fucking know. I love this woman. She was there for me when I discovered my cancer, she was the shoulder I leaned on when my mom died, she was the person that stayed awake all night when all I could do was cry myself to sleep from grief. She is my best friend, the person that know every side of me, that knows how to make me smile more than anyone else. The fact that I can’t even look at her right now makes my skin crawl. Not even in our worst fights we would stay like this. It’s been 3 days and I don’t know what to do. I’m not going to my family’s Christmas because I don’t have the energy. She is locked in her room all day and only comes out to eat. We are in opposite sides of the house not talking to each other. I don’t even know how I’m capable of even creating this account to post this, but I don’t know what to do. For the first time in my life, I feel like I can’t even think. The fact that she spent a third of her life hiding who she is, being forced to have sex with a man, just makes me disgusted with myself. I can’t imagine how miserable I would be if I was in this situation. I can’t imagine a life without her, but I don’t think that things will ever be how they were.

EDIT: this post got a lot more attention than I thought it would. I would like to say that I’m really grateful for all of the advice, and I’ve been reading your replies the whole day trying to figure out what to do. I’m now staying at a hotel. I thought about talking to her like a lot of you suggested, but right now I don’t even know if I would be able to. I’m not sure of how long I’m staying here, but for now it’s the best option for me. I’ll try to reply to your comments now, and again, thank you. A lot of you also shared your similar experiences and they really helped me organize my feelings. I’m still a mess, but definitely better.


Hello there! It’s been a while but I feel like everyone that helped me deserved a update on how things are going since I made the post. First, I would like to thank all of you who responded and sent me messages, it really helped me think more clearly. We got divorced a month after the post, it still took me some time to understand how things would be since we shared basically everything in life. In the end we ended up selling the house. I’m currently living with a friend of mine until I find a nice place for me and my dog since he is quite big and needs more space. I’m doing actually really good, even after everything. Our last face to face conversation happened a few days after the post. I was staying at a hotel and she was the one that called me and asked to talk. It was not easy and I might have said some things that I honestly regret right now, but I needed that. I asked for a divorce that night. We still call each other eventually to ask how things are going, and I know a lot of people suggested that I should cut her out completely, but it’s not that simple. That woman was there with me in my hardest moments, and that confession was hard for her as well. I don’t think I can forgive her for what she did to me, but I can’t just deem her as this horrible person some people said she was. As for her, she is living in an apartment in another city now. I don’t know anything about her love life and honestly don’t really want to. As far as I know she still didn’t come out to her family, but a few of her friends are aware and are there for her. I think this is what I have for now. And again, thank you a lot for helping me!

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