I [32F] am planning on divorcing my newly trans [35F] wife. A little background; I am bisexual and have been my whole life, but mainly dated men due to my preference of being the sub in the bedroom. Met my wife almost 10 years ago now, and we’ve been dating since we met. She was male back then, and was up until last year. We had many issues over the years, and divorce always seemed to loom in the back of my mind. After all, my parents got divorced, so it’s just as likely I would, right? Trust issues aside, we argued a lot, she had anger issues, I had mental illness struggles, and our relationship had never been great. Now she’s transitioning and while I always thought I was okay with her transitioning, I’m no longer romantically in love with her. She’s also told me she’s a sub, which ruins our bedroom dynamics. It’s been months since I’ve felt desired in the way I want to, and that’s only because we occasionally dabble in extramarital things sometimes. While that’s not the most important thing in a relationship (sexual compatibility), we have always had poor chemistry. But now I’ve even fallen out of love romantically and it makes sex so much harder. She even promised the one thing she would never do is get bottom surgery to remove her male genitals. I’m not going to argue over the validity of trans people not having surgeries or their right to exist, so don’t bother. But I asked for that, and I asked that she save some sperm in case I ever wanted to have her kids. She wouldn’t do it, she said it was too expensive. But now she’s talking about bottom surgery and I plainly told her I wouldn’t be okay with it. She’s going through a lot with her transition so I’ve stayed with her and keep telling myself I can do it, but when I spoke with my therapist he said I need to leave. So great, but how do I do that and not have her kill herself? She’s threatened suicide before if I leave and she always says she has nothing to live for if I leave her. How do I gently tell her I’ve fallen out of love? Is it possible to coexist with someone who you’ve been in love with after a divorce like this? I want to remain her friend (even if it is unlikely she would want that) because I do deeply care for her and want what’s best for her. But I know deep down I need this. It’s hard to kiss her, and that’s not fair to her. She deserves to be desired too, I just am not the right one for her.

TOO LONG DON’T READ: Me & newly trans wife from relationship of almost 10 years already had a bad relationship. After the transition I’ve fallen out of love and know I want a divorce. What are the steps? How can I tell her and stay friends?

Comments

• I swear I can just feel the exhaustion. This relationship isn’t healthy. You need to look out for you. You’re the only one between the two of you who will. Listen to your therapist. You cannot control other people’s actions or responses. You need out. Don’t feel guilty for looking out for yourself or being “selfish”. I wish you all the best OP.

• Exactly this, plus a marriage is a partnership, and your partner doesn’t seem to want to do any form of compromise for you, even though you’ve been very willing to work and compromise on things for her. It is ok to have a preferred set of genitals you’d like to be intimate with, and it even seems that although you were not (at first) down with the idea of her getting bottom surgery, you were willing to still try as long as the compromise of saving sperm so you could have genetically your children in the future, and she’s not even willing to budge on that. Like yes, saving sperm isexpensive, but so are all the things that go into a full transition, and I’m sure since you’ve been together for so long it’s only natural that you are both using shared income towards her surgeries, it would be nice (and a bit fair) of her to suggest putting aside some money to freeze sperm before getting the full bottom surgery done. Also, I’m sure she knew about your preference of bedroom dynamics when you first started dating, so unless she is willing to switch off being dom/ sub, again, she is not being fair to you. I know it’s hard because trans women go through so much when they’re transitioning, both physically and mentally, but you cannot sacrifice everything of yourself just so your partner gets to be herself without any bad feelings…not saying she should feel bad about anything, just the whole “I’ll kill myself if you leave” and not giving two dimes about what you want in the future isn’t fair. You’re both individuals with individual wants and desires, and if there is no give on her end when you’re giving everything on your end, then you have every right to want out of the marriage. Good luck OP!

• Anger issues and suicide threats are big deals, you already had issues before she transitioned, and now she is not the same gender that you married. I certainly appreciate that she has the right to live as her authentic self but you can also not want to be in that situation. It’s ok to leave.

• Well, it’s not okay for your wife to hold you hostage in this marriage. I’m sorry, but someone’s mind games and threats of suicide in order to manipulate are never okay. Get the evidence, report to police/healthcare institution and get out. What else will she demand under this pretense? Coerce you to have sex? Do certain intimate favours? Run.

• You need to leave and you need to remember that her saying she will kill herself is a manipulation tactic that is abusive. If she does it, she does it. But that’s not on you. That’s on someone who is either a fucking narcissist or mentally unstable. Maybe both Everything else in your post – its perfectly ok to leave when you’re no longer compatible. No matter what that looks like.

• First off you are not responsible for their mental health. Secondly I grew up with a narcissistic mother and brother. Each time something didn’t go their way they threatened suicide. Finally, people got fed up with it, and told them, go ahead do it if you’re going to. Otherwise stop bullshitting everyone and trying to get your way. Once called out they go a different route. If you are not in love anymore, there is no reason to stay. If you think she will actually try to harm herself, then before you leave, go to her family, friends etc. and explain you just can’t stay in the relationship anymore, and that they will threaten to kill themselves, and ask them to please check up on that person periodically to keep an eye on them. Or get them mental health help. But don’t stay just for that fact.

• My personal input and experience is that when they threaten suicide if you leave – ITS A TOTAL FARCE. A person who is mentally healthy otherwise doesn’t just spontaneously develop this type of ideation. It’s a planned manipulation from a desperate narcissist who is trying to maintain control of you. This is abuse, and traumatic and you need to leave. This person is not going to kill them self when you leave. They are more likely to kill you for trying to leave them, so please be safe.

• I would straight up tell her that you’re done, that you want a male partner and she’s a woman, and then follow through. If she says anything to you about suicide, call the police and tell them to do a wellness check so they can put her in a 72 hour hold if necessary. If someone is unhealthy enough to use suicide as a bargaining chip, they’re not healthy enough to be in a relationship.

• You aren’t responsible for her, you’re responsible for you. People will use that sense of responsibility against you if you let them and honestly, from this little bite of your life, it sounds like this is one of those times. Life is short, make it a life that you want, don’t spend it trying to appease someone else

• How to leave without her hurting herself? Inform local authorities. They’ll respond to potential suicide risks. You can also reach out to her friend’s/support network and let them know she’s a risk. What it boils down to, though, is that her life is not in your hands. If you end things, you are not responsible for the actions that follow. You should never stay in a relationship just to prevent what “might” happen to your partner, should you try to leave them. You might not be able to stay friends. It’s my understanding that divorced people rarely do…and that’s okay. You don’t need to be her friend, and she’s not obligated to be yours. Find your love wherever it is, and don’t tie both of you down just to tough this out for another decade of unhappiness.

• Don’t feel bad for how you feel. You’re not a bad person. This is nothing to do with you taking away her freedom or not supporting her. It has everything to do with your valid feelings. You told her you didn’t want her to physically remove her penis and she’s doing it. That of course doesn’t make her a bad person, it does make it where you are free to not be in a relationship with her anymore. Also as said, the suicide threats are a major red flag. She needs therapy, not for you to feel guilty if you don’t stay with her. Your obligation to support and stay with her ends when your feelings are not respected. Again, you both have a right to feel the way you do but there is no reason for you to both be unhappy.

• You flat out leave. That’s how Rip the Band-Aid off for your sake and hers. If the threatens suicide, then call the police (or something) for a wellness check but realize that this person is a grown ass adult and not your problem If that’s what they choose in life AND THAT NOMATTER WHAT HAPPENS ITS NOT YOUR FAULT

• She’s holding you hostage with the threat of suicide. That’s not ok. You are free to leave even if it doesn’t feel like it. Take advice from your therapist on how to break the news while still enforcing your boundaries. Can you alert her family or friends and can they be on call to support her? Don’t expect to be able to stay friends, she might need a clean break for her own mental health. It’s OK. Do what you need to do.

• Tell her that you can love and support her as a friend, but not as a spouse. That you are unhappy and in order to keep you happy, she wasn’t being her authentic self. Now that the truth is out there, you can’t ask her to not be who she is. So it’s best that you part ways and be happy separately.

• the fact that she is threatening suicide to keep you with her is reason enough to go That is disgusting and manipulative. If she ends up killing herself because you leave, please know that it’s not your fault and it was fully HER decision to do so Leave her and call 911 to report that she is threatening suicide if she starts up again. You’ll be amazed at how many people are suddenly no longer suicidal once someone calls their bluff

• Regardless of gender, people fall out of love. Mental health struggles just make parsing it all out harder. Personally, I’ve been pretty low sometimes. Even if I do express that I’m tired of being alive, I never would use that as a weapon to manipulate. That is not ok. That’s abuse. That’s my own shit. My ex cut me loose as I was literally on the verge of a nervous breakdown. It turns out it was the best thing for me. The abuse I didn’t see happening was mentally breaking me and triggering me to be a shitty abusive person in return. But the domestic violence counselors pointed out after a couple of sessions that they couldn’t continue, and I needed to leave “a month ago.” We keep in touch, but it was healthiest for everyone for that to end.

• I would straight up tell her that you’re done, that you want a male partner and she’s a woman, and then follow through. If she says anything to you about suicide, call the police and tell them to do a wellness check so they can put her in a 72 hour hold if necessary. If someone is unhealthy enough to use suicide as a bargaining chip, they’re not healthy enough to be in a relationship.

I would straight up tell her that you’re done, that you want a male partner and she’s a woman, and then follow through. If she says anything to you about suicide, call the police and tell them to do a wellness check so they can put her in a 72 hour hold if necessary. If someone is unhealthy enough to use suicide as a bargaining chip, they’re not healthy enough to be in a relationship.