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For a newcomer, BDSM (Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism) is a daunting minefield of acronyms, power plays, and difficult conversations. Almost always linked to sexual gratification (and sometimes denial), BDSM requires an open mind, firm boundaries, and a willingness to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Despite the runaway success of E.L. James’ Fifty Shades of Grey series, mentioning the “lifestyle” in mixed company can result in dirty looks or an unshakeable social pariah label. Like any kink, BDSM encourages practitioners to get up close and personal with their deepest, darkest desires and interrogate what gets them off. Given the divisive nature of BDSM (think power plays, intentional pain and taboo fantasy), it should come as no surprise that there’s a consumer demand for non-threatening opportunities to learn in private. Concerns about body image, privacy, racism in fetish communities, the threat of real violence or consent violations, and the health of potential partners — especially in the midst of an ongoing pandemic — contribute to misgivings about public interactions and explorations. While written literature has its place, one further carved out by the rise of #smuttok, video pornography reigns supreme in the modern world when exploring sexual fantasy. It’s true that a subgenre of porn exists for almost every predilection. If you can dream of it, you’re probably not the first. But if you are, you’re likely only ever a digital pebble toss away from someone willing to make it. Sex work is not immune to the rise of the creator economy, especially with the Covid-19 pandemic causing increased financial strain for those most represented like Black and Indigenous women, undocumented migrants, and single parents. Sites like OnlyFans, ManyVids, and Pornhub offer women, trans people, and disabled people an opportunity to make money on their own terms, adapting their schedules as needed, without threat of workplace discrimination or harassment. As a result, the opportunities to indulge in a little kinky extracurricular education are more abundant than ever. In appropriate “supply meet demand” fashion, BDSM themed pornography is more popular than ever. The simplest explanation is that more creators means more content and a greater likelihood of finding a niche with a simple keyword search. If you’re willing to traipse through the explanatory weeds, an argument could be made that the current sociopolitical climate has encouraged people to be more adventurous and more honest regarding their sexual desires. As younger demographics dominate the news cycle and political discussion, demands for more sexual expression and openness are becoming louder. Another, equally likely, explanation is that internet porn is a relatively new invention and the world’s varied interests are just starting to catch up. Of course, with popularity and visibility comes scrutiny — especially when it concerns an industry that is constantly up for political discussion. Criticisms of sex work, particularly porn, are commonplace in every arena, virtual or digital. A common refrain is that BDSM themed porn is contributing to normalized violence against women in sexual situations. Some, like Xaya Lovelle (stage name), a BDSM creator, might argue that the key difference between rough sex play and sexual violence as a weapon is consent. “I am obviously against harmful sex, but consent (active and informed) is an essential factor in preventing harm. In my personal experience, others trying to set boundaries for me has led to harm and trauma, because it doesn’t give me space to create and enforce boundaries for myself. And as a survivor, I don’t feel that visible “violence” really defines that which has harmed me; my rapists were vanilla. No one should be able to claim consent on my behalf.”

Mistress Harley (stage name), a findomme and techdomme, would likely agree.

“Practitioners of BDSM have a vernacular to discuss people’s desires, limits, and establish consensuality of play between partners. The shorthand for these is “RACK” (Risk Aware Consensual Kink), meaning you understand the risks of whatever particular fetish you are engaged in, and that you consent to those risks. “SCC” is another popular shorthand for “Safe, Sane and Consensual” establishing that all parties have agreed and believe their activities to be safe for their own risk tolerances. One of the most popular admonishments when it comes to sex is that the job must be empowering before those in the industry can be taken seriously. For many women, particularly those who grew into their feminism with Gloria Steinem and Andrea Dworkin leading public discourse, the call to recognize the validity of an occupation that encourages sexual fantasy for the consumption of men might have a hard time getting through. One of the most popular admonishments when it comes to sex is that the job must be empowering before those in the industry can be taken seriously. For many women, particularly those who grew into their feminism with Gloria Steinem and Andrea Dworkin leading public discourse, the call to recognize the validity of an occupation that encourages sexual fantasy for the consumption of men might have a hard time getting through.

Blog Post Written By: Adrie Rose

Posted in Sexwork

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How To Not Catch Feelings

A couple of weeks ago I found myself at a swanky rooftop bar overlooking Time Square in NYC, enjoying a cocktail and finger foods with a client I had been courting on Twitter for some time. While we had previously had a few phone and texting sessions, it was the first time we met in person, and it was also the first time that he hired a companion. At some point, while we were looking out over the city—flirting and discussing books—he stopped and said, “This feels like a real date.” Of course, the main difference between this and a “real date” is that he was paying me for my time. Other than this (arguably small) detail, we were, in fact, on a date. We were both dressed up, we were getting to know each other through long and sustained conversations about life and art, and we were flirting—building the tension for what would come after we left the bar. Hours later, as we cuddled in my hotel bed, exhausted from the evening’s adventures, he turned to me and asked, “How do you handle the emotional part of this job? The romantic part?” The question pulled us out of the fantasy that we had co-created, and pushed us to address the elephant in the room: this was not a date that would lead to anything other than, perhaps, another similar such date. While our time together was intimate and romantic, it wasn’t a means to an end; the date was the end itself. It couldn’t be more; it was bounded. While a fun, intellectually stimulating, and sexually satisfying date is desirable on its own, we are not taught how to conceptualize these experiences outside of the cultural framework of romantic love, and romantic love is seen as aiming toward some end (in a heteronormative framework—toward marriage, or at least toward increased seriousness that often includes monogamy). The root of my client’s question was, how do you have these experiences and not want more? Or in today’s parlance, how do you not catch feels? Sex work is work, but it is also sex, and this is something that often gets lost in sex work discourse. While lackluster sex is easy to forget, what about the good sex? The intimate and connected sex that makes you feel seen and cared for? If I do my job well, my clients leave feeling sexually satisfied, but also seen and cared for. In order for me to create this experience for them, I have to both see them and care for them. Ideally, sex work is care work; it requires being present enough to be in tune with another person—to know what they need. And often, giving someone this kind of sustained attention also means “catching feels,” precisely because you do see them in all their vulnerability. Circling back to my client’s question, the way that I deal with the emotional part of this job is by allowing myself to feel those feelings within the boundaries of the session; it means not fighting them or pushing them away when they arise, but also not attaching to them or trying to turn them into something they aren’t (and in this case, what they aren’t are feelings that indicate that the relationship should evolve beyond the parameters of the transaction). This is also the advice that I often give clients when they start to struggle with the boundaries of the provider/client relationship. These relationships can be really fulfilling, erotic, powerful, and beautiful, but their boundedness is a necessary condition for their possibility. In fact, part of the allure of these interactions is that they are confined to these shared moments in time—that they don’t spill out beyond them. These boundaries, in other words, are part of the beauty of these relationships. They are the parameters within which a fruitful playspace can occur, where we can play with big feelings—in the moment—without having them threatening other parts of our lives. They are aesthetic creations, or re-creations, of pleasure and erotic love, and by their very nature, aesthetic creations are ephemeral, they are not meant to be otherwise. To say that these experiences are ephemeral, or that they are bounded, isn’t to say that they aren’t real. This sort of intimacy—intimacy that occurs outside of one’s everyday life—fosters the conditions and the space to be able to honestly express and play with the emotions that we want to feel without having them negatively bleed into or impact our lives outside of them. So how do I handle the emotional part of the job? I let myself feel whatever emotions come up, and I don’t shy away from my clients’ feelings (so long as those feelings feel safe). And then at the end of the session, I leave those feelings in the place that we created them, as a parting gift… until the next time.

Blog Post Written by: Jessie Sage

Posted in Relationships

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Worst booking EVER

I typically am open to outcalls and after last night I’m rethinking it. I’ve done countless outcalls over the past 2 years and have been lucky enough to not run into a bad situation. Plus, I am a full size girl and can defend myself which is another reason I typically don’t feel uneasy doing an Outcall. Anyways last night I have a client book for 3 hours. This is someone I have seen once before at their home for an hour and things went smoothly. Not amazing right but smoothly enough to book again. This second session was NOTHING like the first. For starters this client has the sort of locks that require a key on both sides to enter and exit. I hadn’t noticed this the first visit. Next, this client literally wants to bust nuts the ENTIRE session. But wants me to mostly be on top doing all the work and wants me to over exaggerate my pleasure/talk dirty. After he has already busted 3 times he stops to ask me “I just want to ask and it’s probably a no, but how many more condoms do we have to use before we don’t have to use any anymore?” I just looked at him like you can’t be fucking serious dude. This client also has cats. I am allergic to cats. The first visit went smoothly and I just had to take Benadryl once I got home to stop the reaction. This time about 90mins into the 3hrs I broke out in hives everywhere. Red, swollen, and itchy. Even between my legs from laying naked in the bed. He’s still trying to keep going and I have to stop him and tell him I’m sorry but I’m covered in hives and I need to go home because this is only going to get worse and I am extremely uncomfortable like this. I tell him we can schedule another 90min session sometime for Incall instead so that this doesn’t happen. He agrees after a minute but says “we could try it I suppose. I don’t do in calls because I like to have control over the situation”. Hmmm makes me feel even weirder. I get dressed we go downstairs so I can leave he goes to the door and says “oh I didn’t realize I locked it out of habit. I promise I’m not trying to kill you or do anything weird”. Definitely felt very bad vibes and left as fast as I could. My screening is pretty thorough and nothing weird came up about him but fuck did he turn out to be strange and uncomfortable.

Comments

“Because I like to have control over the situation”? 🤨 Big yikes. Lol “we can try it”. Like no, that’s what we’re doing. I would MAYBE try to reschedule the other 90 mins for Incall, but I would lean more towards not seeing him again period. The condom thing was so much ick too

Right 😫 he seemed totally normal the first time we met and then the second time he was a completely different person 🤢 I guess that’s a classic boundary pusher though. Just trying to see how much they get away with. It was also the locks thing that really scared me!

I’m at the point where I’m going to do my best to never see anyone twice. Regulars are becoming the bane of my existence

By being in control he means, secretly video it. I’ve had 2 guys say this to me and both turned out to be recording

Add,” Do you have cats?” To your screening questions. Make sure that you also make it clear that you only offer covered services. If you really want to reschedule that’s up to you. You don’t have to see him again, he’s not very cooperative and respectful.

That’s a great idea! I will mention in my ads I’m allergic to cats. As for the condoms I think he was just attempting to push boundaries because the first thing I do in every appointment I have is discuss boundaries from both sides before we begin getting intimate. If they have a problem with my boundaries there in that moment, I will end the appointment.

This sounds like my personal hell😳 when people say msog I say maximum 2 so they know or like if they don’t ask I would say 2 times max in an hour and I think that’s very fair. But that sounds horrible taking advantage of the appointment I feel. I had someone for the first time the other day for an hour and a half he did stuff the entire time I was getting so mad

I typically don’t mind msog when it’s timed out right. I don’t offer anything less than an HR and typically I make time for 2 pops in an hour. But it’s just like geez guy give me a rest in between 😫 I hate getting booked as someone’s personal sex doll without a small amount of conversation, massage, and relaxation that’s why I advertise as girlfriend experience.

Block and delete and move on. The money for the 90 mins you didn’t use was a TIP. You let him bust 3 nuts and dealt with his bs and his cat who fucked you up. You felt uncomfortable. Lose the loser and never see him again. It will make you feel better about it. Now rest babe you deserve it.

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I Hate This Job, I Hate It I Hate It I Hate It

I absolutely fucking despise it. I don’t want to do this anymore, I hate it and I’m more and more disgusted every day. It’s online SW, but I’m so fucking fed up with it. Idk how tf I did it for 4 years. I can’t do it anymore, i don’t want to do it, but it’s either this or be fucking poor like I’ve been my whole life up to this point. I’ve been born poor and will most likely die poor. The money is dropping lower every day, every month, all my socials either get shadow banned or not get any attention, I need to do more of shit I don’t like and I find repulsive for these fuckers, it’s not fucking worth it anymore and I hate it from the bottom of my heart. Idk what to do. I’ll probably delete this when I come back to my sense but I keep having this kind of breakdowns and I need to vent, I’m sorry guys

Comments

No need to apologize for venting. I’m full service and I’m also starting to hate it. It’s exhausting and frustrating. The guys seem to be getting worse by the day. I would quit today if I didn’t need the money. Offering you a hug OP. You aren’t alone

Sorry to hear you are in the same boat 🙁 appreciate the hug and kind words. I hope things get better for you and me both. I’m seriously considering quitting but I need to find some kind of safety net before and it looks like there’s no resolution

I was at the same point a few weeks ago and I decided that it’s time for a break for online SW. I was also too fed up

I hope this break helps you 🙏🏻 I’ve been somewhere here before a few times, but never so bad and lasting so long. It’s been a few good months since I’m feeling like this and it’s just worse and worse.

I’m at the same point too. This year will be my fourth in online SW & I feel so low. My money has dropped significantly since November; that’s when I started feeling depressed & having anxiety attacks about work. Online SW is so hard. I feel like I’ve given too much to these guys & have nothing to show for it. I feel defeated & drained of all my joy. I’m in counseling now to deal with my anxiety & low self-esteem directly stemming from this job & having my self-worth determined by cheap men that want nothing more than to take from me in order to make themselves feel good. When I started SW I thought it was going to be the beginning of my wealth building journey. I’d heard of girls buying houses, paying off debt, going on lavish trips, & providing for tier entire families off of cam. I thought that could be me but for the most part I still lived paycheck to paycheck. Four years in & I feel I have nothing to show for my time in the industry. No loaded savings account. No new car. No lavish gifts or sugar daddies. I’m currently studying to get my real estate license so that I can become an investor/agent & no longer have my money tied to sex work. It’s going to take a few months but it is a light at the end of the tunnel. Until that time comes I’m still stuck in the dark & constantly feel like a failure.

I can strongly recommend this, a good part of my business is in re today, it’s going really well (better than ever before) but many re agents and investors are quitting the industry right now as increased interest rates combined with higher material costs and tougher requirements means a smaller pool for all the fish. BUT: By the time you finish your studies and the industry is going strong again there will be a great demand for ppl who are willing to take a risk. You’ll do splendidly! ♥️ best thing about being an entrepreneur is that you can do it while being a sex work, if you have the drive and energy (money can be VERY motivating, I’m telling you).

Thank you for your kind words. I have a feeling that one I get over this hump I will really enjoy real estate & see myself doing well in it. I know the money will be a great motivator. I’m just stuck in that horrible in-between spot where my SW business is declining but my real estate work hasn’t truly started. I wish I was one of those girls that made so much money in SW I could use it to invest immediately but I was never that fortunate. Idk if I want to continue SW once I get my license. I don’t want to throw away the fan base I’ve built up over the years but I also know that these men are going to continue to be cheap & make me question my worth & I don’t like that.

The economy is coming and going in waves. Once business starts to grow, all your businesses demand your attention. Just take care and look for the times where money is scarce and plan ahead accordingly. I had a lot of luck, getting to know the right people at the right time. (And this is the hardest part to admit as a business owner that it is not really depend and on yourself but more how you manage people, resources, time and opportunities)

I’m having a break too. Lately I can’t say I’ve been working, because that means earning, which I absolutely have not been. Fuck off freeloaders, those who just want to sit and chat like I’m a community fucking therapist, those who expect me to do things outside of my boundaries, those who think because they spent a little money they deserve all my attention, those who think I want to be their girlfriend etc. This is my fourth year too on and off, I’ve done FSSW too, tried to get back into it but have been unsuccessful. I’m sick of it all too so I’m using the perk of the job where I can leave it alone for a bit without being fired. Maybe once my bills start piling up I’ll find the motivation (even through pressure) to come back lol. You’re not alone

I feel you. While I have IG & TT accounts, I don’t use them after seeing all the hypocrisy with how the sites are ran. I just don’t have it in me to expend energy into another promotional platform that has no realistic way to be lucrative. I’m about to start focusing on my clip sale sites that have internal traffic because when I put out new videos, I make sales. I plan to build my Fansly here soon too. I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time. Many of us are feeling the squeeze. I wish you healing and peace 💖

I’m sorry :(. I understand working with a disability, it takes three times more effort to get anything done. I’m so envious of people who can produce content every day. I get that not all of us can afford to take a break… but please do if you can. Give yourself a chance to think about life without it without all that pressure to produce.

Do you have access to a doctor? I wonder if you could get something like a beta blocker to knock the edge off? Or you could try Valerian tea maybe? Not ideal but there are lots of things that would be better for your health than drinking a lot- maybe one of them would work for you. I’m so sorry, sweetie. I hope you get in a better situation for you soon. Hug.

Thank you I definitely need to make a change. I’m on a quick tour going home tomorrow. I got a psych meds prescriber this year and I’m trying anti-depressants but the process is really long. They start you off on a tiny dose then you have to take it for at least 6 weeks to feel the full effects and if you don’t like that specific drug you have ween off and try again. It’s not quick like a shot of vodka. I definitely need a change or I won’t be able to keep making money from SW I’m like falling part a bit

i also take antidepressants and psychiatric medication is very dangerous. especially if you combine it with alcohol and/or other drugs. you get withdrawals if you don’t have your antidepressants and in years they affect your liver and kidneys. i would re-consider starting them if i was you. also many people feel at this uncomfortable mid-point a numbness where they don’t feel horrible but can’t cry or feel happy either so i worry how all this would add up in your situation. also antidepressant & all psych med, have many side effects. the one I’m on gives me a very dry mouth. horrible for sw. i wanna get off them but getting off them is horrible cause of withdrawals.

Baby I understand where you are coming from I’m doing sw online an in person too an it’s hard for me to build a strong following and getting subscribers on my O.F that’s why I kinda gave up on it but not the in person one yet I will either retire or semi-retired this year sometime it’s mentally and physically took a toll on me too luv if you want to take a break go ahead for as long as you want ain’t no amount of money is worth your mental health an stress levels take care of your self ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Hey babe, I’m so sorry you’re going through a hard time! I relate to this so much. I also don’t really like this work, and I’m in the same boat as you, I need to do it for the money. My family is poor as well so they can’t help me. I think it definitely takes a really strong mind set to do this work long term. I’ve been doing fssw for about 4 years now full time and I find it really difficult. It is really exhausting both mentally and physically. I also deal with depression and anxiety. Every day is a struggle. Personally, I find looking after myself to help a bit, by doing some form of exercise most days and trying to eat as healthy as possible. But I do get days when I wake up totally wrecked from being booked put the previous day and can’t get out of bed. All I can say is try to make an exit strategy, this will give you a light at the end of the tunnel to aim towards and will make the work more bearable.

I get it. I’m exhausted too 🙁 my two big tiktok accounts both have been banned recently – one at 400k and one at 100k. I’m just exhausted by it- I don’t like having to restart constantly and having the rug ripped out from under me over and over, while I see other girls accounts growing to a million followers because they’re lucky enough to not be banned. I’m not doing anything differently than them, I’m just unlucky 🙁 I know what I could be making if I wasn’t facing setbacks constantly and it makes me so angry.

Ever thought of in-person sex work? When you’re online, you’re bound to attract trolls and weirdos hiding behind a screen. You will run into weirdos during stripping and escorting as well but you’re also bound to run into more normal people as well. With escorting you can select your clients, if someone gives you a weird vibe then don’t see them.

What kind of career would you like to be in? My online SW is just for fun money, and I really think that’s the right balance for me. There was a period where I wasn’t making a ton at my regular job, and my bf told me I might have to do more cam work and I dreaded the idea of feeling forced into it. Maybe you just need a balance.

this is why we should have an actual right-to-exist. options so people can genuinely consent to this work or choose the available alternative so they can still support themselves financially. might be worth reaching out to some sw-orgs or radical sw collectives locally and research right to exit in your state/country.

Sorry to hear babe. Lots are feeling the burnout right now. I get it. I have moments where I hate it too, but I need the money. I have no choice right now. Be easy on yourself, you aren’t alone. We just got through a worldwide pandemic, and it’s still affecting us. Covid is still here and the world has changed forever. Money is different now and everything is more expensive. I would encourage you to make an exit strategy. Think of a job you want and then wrote down what you need to get there. What works for me is to have a vision of what you want and work towards it. I understand you are disabled. There must be a good paying career you can do within your abilities. Start a course part time, learn from home. Maybe you can make payments, or get a small loan. sw isn’t forever and it would help you to keep your eyes on the prize of what you really want.

This thread is so sad because it’s too relatable 😢 Did onlyfans for a month and couldn’t do it anymore so I was doing full SW for 3 years but also having a “boyfriend” who beat me into suicidal thoughts when I felt depressed and then burned out was enough for me. Took a 1 year break and I am currently in the process of going back to school but SW is calling my name. I could never understand when people told me it’s a vicious cycle, now I do. I have a very good boyfriend husband material the whole package and who gives me 5k a month to survive but I get so annoyed. I feel better single It’s like I miss my old life 🤷‍♀️

How much is yours? Since you are so concerned with it. A lot of men I know would fuck a hole in a tree. I had a single sexual partner my entire life, but it was only by chance. Sex is NATURAL and NORMAL, is what nature intended EVERY species to do as much a possible in order to keep the species alive. How do you think the human species became the most widespread? It’s because we really like sex, you misogynistic moron. If both of the sexes of a species don’t like sex, it means there will be RAPE. Do you like raping women? Or is it only men who should have sex? Meaning that they should have it with other men exclusively (you know, since women are not allowed to enjoy and want sex), by your logic. I hope your dick nevercomes close to any vagina since you clearly lack not only basic biology, but common sense as well. Whatever woman has sex with men like you is either a victim or an idiot. You can’t expect women to have sex with you, but not like sex in general. That’s a very predatory mindset. Incels really have a lot of free time on their hands to come in places where they clearly have no business.

Posted in Sexwork

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Escorts who are not ‘high class’ are still escorts. And they’re not working any less hard than you

I get that you want to put forward that sex work is a stable and legitimate industry. I get that you want to put it out there that you enjoy your work. (I do too). But like I’m not here to be part of a community that doesn’t consider anyone who isn’t earning 2k nights a worker. Or like that doesn’t consider the majority of workers are doing it because they’re not in positions of economic power, or status. They don’t have degrees. They didn’t choose this over another stable job. A bunch of them were abused and were homeless and you’re not better than them. You don’t work harder than them. A lot of us have past or current drug issues to the point where I got four DMs saying variations of “hey thanks for actually talking about yours, I’ve not felt comfortable doing it on the forums because of down votes” when I posted about gangs/drugs being difficult to avoid in my area. Like just have some consideration for this community being varied. And have some consideration that if you’re pulling five-star hotel meets on the regular you are not the ‘average’ sex worker. The average sex worker doesn’t have a smartphone or half the shit you or I have. The average worker isn’t a white cis girl in her mid-twenties with her own apartment and a degree. You made it, that’s a good thing, but a lot of girls are still struggling and it’s not because they’re not experienced or didn’t try enough. This society you can get a lucky draw, or a string of lucky draws, and you can use those to boost yourself with some grinding out work. Some people don’t get those lucky hands, some people grind out work and it doesn’t boost them up. That’s not fair, but this society isn’t fair. Like I remember my first post was about an assault on call and I deleted it because the majority of responses were polite variations of “well you should have screened better dumbass”. And like I know a lot of you genuinely believe that. Genuinely believe the people out there struggling is doing that because they’re dumb, or inexperienced. And like I don’t know at this moment I can’t deal with a community that is increasingly hostile towards people who are struggling and not giving you a come up story like “I was homeless and now I’m not! Thank you sex work”. Like people in marginalized areas and niches don’t exist to provide you with a stream of ‘success against the odds’ feel good stories. I know a lot of girls want to be like “yo this is bullshit” but they don’t because you’ll down vote them to hell or tell them it was their fault. Anyway. I know this is a negative post but, like still a big fan of this community and the fact it exists. Still a big fan of a bunch of posters here you make my day! Just think we can do better. Gonna take a break from posting and be back whenever. Just wanted to say it.

Peace.

Comments

This is something I talk about with clients A LOT. Sex work is legal in my country, and with the sex work positive attitude of support organizations and workers there can be a real sweeping under the rug of the darker parts on the industry because it doesn’t support their message/hopes for the industry. Start talking openly about the huge number of workers who are forced by circumstances into work and the public mindset might shift back into wanting to criminalize it again. Better to keep it empowered and Netflix worthy. But there are workers in shops here not allowed to turn down any clients for any reason, working for hardly anything per job, forced to work back to back clients for 12-14 hour shifts, arriving in debt or not speaking English so they can be taken advantage of. Clients I’ve talked to who complain about the poor experience they’ve had at these places with workers who ‘clearly weren’t into it and didn’t like me’ get a fucking ear full from me. Even in the higher end shops here the shifts are so long and such late hours that drug taking on the job is expected. Practically every worker I know has been assaulted or had scary things happen to them on the job, no matter what price bracket you’re working in. This job isn’t all orgasms and rolling in piles of money. When it is that’s a huge privilege. Thanks for keeping it real and keeping us in check

Rate shaming isn’t allowed here, because it serves no purpose. If you see any rate shaming, please flag it so the mod team can remove it. Like everything in life, we are always learning. Thank you for sharing this valuable insight.

Screening is not 100% and I’m sorry that you were invalidated by people telling you essentially to screen better and blaming you. I don’t understand the holier than thou and elitism within the sex work community as if we don’t all face adversity in some way. Granted we have a lot of privilege like you said compared to most but at the end of the day none of us are better than anyone.

It was a while ago, I’ve been posting on here a lot since then and like don’t get me wrong I genuinely like this community! Just every now and then I read up voted comments that make generalizations so removed from like. the actual reality of this work for the majority of workers, or I see people dunking on someone less fortunate than them and it’s just like…. Why? I mean I get the elitism when you’re on call, when you’re working with clients. Like for security purposes and for the purposes of branding, I’m the best, I’m a goddamn princess absolutely not to be fucked with. But I feel people should be able to turn it off when they’re talking to other workers, especially ones who are struggling. “That wouldn’t happen to me, I’m queen bee” like fuck you are, give advice sure but don’t talk down to someone and assume that something fucked up happened because they just didn’t work as smart as you. I’m not afraid to admit I’m legit vulnerable and my work is dangerous. And that’s being in a position more privileged than most of the workers out there.

Former sex worker here. I agree with this post 100%. I was in and out of the sex trade for about 13-15 years. (Being vague because reasons) I was doing it to eke out a meager living or maybe some extras. My first clients were relatively safe but I lucked out. Many of my fellow sex workers weren’t. For clarification, I took my first client in the mid to late 90’s and it was in Southern Europe. I currently live in N. America and plied the trade here in the latter half of the noughties/beginning of the 10’s. I also happen to be male. I was scared when I started. All my clients were word of mouth but I was never sure what I was getting into. I got lucky. Screening was not something I’d heard of and even when I transitioned to the N. American market, I had no clue about screening. It was all a gamble but I did it out of need. Was I privileged? Yes, I was. Was it still dangerous? Very. I had to work hard at getting myself out there to make the little money I could get and the clientele was demanding. I had close calls. I still have nightmares about a few. Btw, I only ever had male clientele. What I want to say is that I never saw a $2000 night. In fact, the most I made from a date was $300, and that was rare. I had to do what I had to do, though and I know for a fact that what you can charge for services does not lessen the amount of work. Please go easy on the down votes. I’m a long time lurker but, being male, I try not to tread on women’s voices.

As a woman of color who isn’t a size 4, this is so true. They’re white, skinny / small breasts small ass, nice clothes and lingerie, that’s it. That’s the only reasons people think of them as high end and elite versus a girl who’s curvier or BBW, isn’t white, and isn’t wearing La Perla. I call myself high class, and I’m NONE of these things, and I’m proud of it. Bet your ass I’m high class even though I have 3B hair, brown skin, and huge titties that can’t fit into the average La Perla bra.

White with nice lingerie and really thin – I’d add the last part. I totally relate, I compete against those girls too. I’m white and have nice lingerie but I’m not thin and I’m a lot older. I can’t charge 2K per night lol. I wish I could!

White with nice lingerie and really thin – I’d add the last part. I totally relate, I compete against those girls too. I’m white and have nice lingerie but I’m not thin and I’m a lot older. I can’t charge 2K per night lol. I wish I could!

Yes, I agree. While I can’t charge 2K and really crazy rates, I do relatively well as a mature escort/dominatrix because of offering a very quality experience and good environment and treating them well, etc. My clients know they could get younger, hotter girls but my personality and manners and attention to detail really count for a lot with them. They would rather spend two or three hours with me for a really fun time than with a snooty girl who thinks they are “sooo amazing”. Personality and manners really matter in this industry too.

I mean, I get it but I’m not exactly spitting in the guy’s face as soon as he comes in then giving him a lazy hand job and telling him to fuck off…. I’m not a high class escort and I think for some reason people assume we’re sitting there doing that just because we’re volume workers. I guess one of the main differences is that because I’m doing volume, my makeup, hair, and manners when it comes to getting guys to fucking leave my apartment oh god… Are different. I’ll tie my hair back, patch up makeup, reapply perfume to cover scents from other guys. That kind of thing that a low volume high rate escort might not have to do… Because with one or two calls a day they can chill, heck redo their whole outfit / makeup and wash their hair, stay an extra ten minutes with a client. Stuff that I can’t really do.

I’ve done back to back clients plenty of times, no time to do major repair work on face and hair. Mouthwash and a hit of the curling iron and fresh panties is about all I have time for in those cases. But I’m not a 2K/night girl at all. In Europe, I charge around 200 USD/hour and in Asia (where I have to pay hotel costs), I’m ask around 225 USD/hour. These are not high rates, but I work in countries where sex work is legal and that lowers the cost, there is a lot less risk.

Those of us with the privilege to do sex work as a career work on the backs of those who have done sex work as an only option. As a community, we have the obligation to protect those with less resources. Sex work has always existed as a way for those on the margins of society to survive. It reminds me of the “cannabis curators” who act like people haven’t been jailed for doing the same thing without a fancy Apple store-ass dispensary. There’s a very sad element of internalized misogyny and rape culture here too. If you haven’t paid for an entire security apparatus and IT team, then it’s on you if you get hurt. Fuck that so hard. Thank you for posting this. Let’s all do better. (Sorry for all the social justice-y buzzwords, I don’t know how to express these ideas without them but they instantly make me sound like a Twitter thread)

Yeah this is really well put. Like, the history of this work is insane. We’re the oldest form of employment around and, historically one of the few ways women have taken power back from hopelessly oppressive situations. people talking about their come up but we’ve got actual real life empresses using their sex work as a method of social mobility until they were literal honest to god royalty. There’s a street worker I know in my area. She’s poor. Like, dirt fucking poor. Homeless pretty much (it’s complicated) me and her were talking the other day, this guy chucks a packet of half eaten donuts at her and says some classic fucking cunt line like “there, least you can’t spend this on drugs” I was fucking livid. But that’s like fucking daily for her. And people think like, “yeah well you get tough on the streets” but she fucking cried. Like I don’t know where I was going with that but her life is miserable at the moment. And I don’t know, when people talk about sex work they’re not including her. When they talk about ‘the average’ they’re not thinking about the tweaker they walked past because they’re not in the same class as them. But what we do is the same. We fuck, for money, for social mobility, power, status. Not everyone gets to conquer Byzantium, and our industry isn’t all Prada and sunshine. I think your dead right we have an obligation to always be considerate, always fight to protect those less fortunate, and always consider the history and context of the work we do. Regardless of how social justice that sounds.

Omg I love this!!! Like I get that some of “us” do get lucky and only do $1,000 appointments but like u said it doesn’t make u better than the girl standing on a corner. I hate the judgment. Like if I use drugs you’re better than me? The same girls that put others down like 2 lift their noses up at drug addicts. Like yeah I’m am addict but no not all my $ goes on my drug if choice. And no just cuz u where lucky enough 2 not fall 4 drugs that doesn’t make u better than me. Cuz at the end of the day we all in this 2gether. Why not keep each other elevated instead of down? Oh yeah… cuz u just want 2 b the 1 shinning and u wouldn’t want me stealing your shine. That’s how we sadly think.

I agree. I am extremely tired of those who think because their rates are higher, makes them more elite, higher class, and that those that charge less are bottom feeders. It’s a marketing strategy, knowing what the market will bear, knowing the financial area etc., has a lot to do with what rates we charge. As with any business, we can charge ourselves right out of business if rates are too high for the location/area we work out of. Each one of us knows, or should know our worth. Screening, needs to be addressed no matter what. Make it a priority to keep yourself safe. Has NOTHING TO DO with how far up the food chain and fees that are charged. Typically, not in all cases, those clients that are willing to pay lower rates are usually a sketchier client than the average businessman. Use your head, listen to your intuition and gut. If you can’t find or don’t know how to screen, find someone in the business that you might be able to share expenses with on screening sites and let them screen for you. Or pay them $20 to screen a guy, be resourceful, be diligent. We should be helping one another, not in competition with one another or putting someone down because their rates are lower.

I feel like this has gotten worse since SESTA-FOSTA, as the need to publicly legitimize the profession has increased. To me, this feels a lot like what has occurred in the queer community over the last handful of decades. That community was (and still is) often represented in public discourse by wealthy, educated, conservative, white gay men, and in many ways has benefitted from their privilege. However, in that demo’s attempt to assert to conservative non-queer folk that we are “just like them, only gay”, the experiences of people with more marginalized identities get silenced or erased – including inside the queer community. This has always been an issue inside both queer and sex worker communities, even before SESTA-FOSTA or the gay rights movement. However, public visibility has amplified a perceived need for privileged identities to publicly represent those communities. Unfortunately, this encourages division within the communities themselves, as those with existing privilege attempt to distance themselves farther from those with less. This leaves *all* of us sex worker with fewer cultural supports internal to SW, in a society that doesn’t really see a $1000/hr indoor worker as much better than a street worker. And the internalized oppression that comes from being a sex worker in a society like that affects all of us, including those who would attempt to distance themselves from more marginalized workers. TLDR~ You’re not actually better because you have more privilege. You probably just think so because you want social validation and decriminalization of your career choices, and distancing yourself from street workers seems like a necessary step to accomplish that.

Yeah I think there’s a lot the sex work industry can take from queer rights activism. Ways to mobilize, organize, and push to legalize and decriminalize. But also warnings about how capitalist culture works to ‘smooth out the edges’ and replace culture and resistance with a bunch of happy friendly white guys (although in this case I suppose it’s white girls) in suits. I remember a couple of years ago the organizers of pride London let a TERF group lead the parade. And the predominantly white gay male organizers response was essentially “Oops! Well that was a bit of a blunder their chaps”. Like, they’ve got officers marching. In. Fucking. Uniform. To ‘show their solidarity’ and I’m pretty sure they genuinely have no idea how insulting that is to marginalized people of color who probably have to get stop and searched by those same officers the next day. Kids who legitimately get triggered by cops because in their neighborhoods they’re a force of constant ongoing pressure. Like being tolerable to conservative patriarchal society is only a useful tool as far as you can use it to affect change for those who are intolerable to that society. It’s not useful to just make it to the top and then bounce out once you’ve done your sex working, I mean it’s excusable maybe, it’s understandable, but it’s not useful. The fact we have conservative, privilege denying SWs at all is such a bizarre situation. But like the fact they want to distance themselves from the workers who “aren’t like them” because they’re poor and underprivileged is just fucking sad.

THANK YOU FOR THIS POST seriously. An ex of mine is exactly the privileged person you’re describing, and lied about me outing them when I spoke up about how she abused and raped me. Imo, a “high class escort” with a degree is someone I DO NOT TRUST AND NEVER WILL TRUST. EVER. One of them is the reason I found out Project SAFE in Philly will protect a rapist if she can give a speech and make them look good in public. They’ll let their members date her despite knowing what I’ve said about her, and she threatened to out the member she was dating, a survival worker, in the lobby of a hotel. I know I’ll get a lot of flack, but a lot of “high class” escorts are abusive class tourists who could do any number of other things, but love that they’re in a world with tons of underprivileged people they can abuse with impunity. I’m sure some of them are ok, but I will never in my fucking life trust a “high class” worker because of my experiences with them. EXTRA FUCK YOU to the people in here who blamed you for a bad experience with a client. You didn’t deserve that whatsoever. Anyone should know screening isn’t fucking foolproof.

THANK YOU FOR THIS POST seriously. An ex of mine is exactly the privileged person you’re describing, and lied about me outing them when I spoke up about how she abused and raped me. Imo, a “high class escort” with a degree is someone I DO NOT TRUST AND NEVER WILL TRUST. EVER. One of them is the reason I found out Project SAFE in Philly will protect a rapist if she can give a speech and make them look good in public. They’ll let their members date her despite knowing what I’ve said about her, and she threatened to out the member she was dating, a survival worker, in the lobby of a hotel. I know I’ll get a lot of flack, but a lot of “high class” escorts are abusive class tourists who could do any number of other things, but love that they’re in a world with tons of underprivileged people they can abuse with impunity. I’m sure some of them are ok, but I will never in my fucking life trust a “high class” worker because of my experiences with them. EXTRA FUCK YOU to the people in here who blamed you for a bad experience with a client. You didn’t deserve that whatsoever. Anyone should know screening isn’t fucking foolproof.

Jesus, I’m in this to work less hours while making the same amount I was making in my non sex work job. I’m happy making 500 a week, for me that’s a couple hour sessions. I don’t need LV bags or whatever the fuck is the new thirst trap label. I don’t have “FMTY” in my Twitter headline and I don’t refer to my clients as suitors. More power to the girls who are making bank but I just want to get by.

Jesus, I’m in this to work less hours while making the same amount I was making in my non sex work job. I’m happy making 500 a week, for me that’s a couple hour sessions. I don’t need LV bags or whatever the fuck is the new thirst trap label. I don’t have “FMTY” in my Twitter headline and I don’t refer to my clients as suitors. More power to the girls who are making bank but I just want to get by

And it’s not like my clients expect any less quality/energy from their bookings too. I do GFE. Mostly, mutual oral, deep throating, and chatting about your life as if I’m genuinely very interested are the standard for my bookings, even half my 20min ones which I make shit all off. And if I don’t keep up to standard I lose the regular.

I consider myself a very, very privileged sex worker and being an indoor worker has changed my whole circumstance. Even then, on my second ever day on the job I had a client take off the condom mid sex. I wasn’t on because at the time and had never taken the pill so I just remember crying and breaking down outside the pharmacy. I’ve had rougher experiences since. The industry has been kind to me compared to so many others out there but even still it’s a bitter reality check to heard my friend (another sex work) talk about her clients. Tipping well, sees her as more than a fuck machine and don’t push boundaries when she’s firm with them. It reminds me what the industry thinks of darker skinned women and our value. I like to focus on the good because I’ve been so lucky in so many ways but that doesn’t mean that the industry isn’t dark and that “high end escorting” is not the norm but just the loudest voices. Thanks for this post.

I don’t think those posters were trying to humble brag or shame other workers. They were just venting about their life. We all exist in a capitalistic (mixed in with a bit of post Protestant ethics) world where we are regularly sold the message that our ultimate goal in life is to earn as much money as possible. And we like stories that encourage that social conditioning especially stories that let us buy in to the fantasy that we too will one day make that much money. So it makes sense that when someone posts about making 2k a night she’ll get more traction because a lot of us our subconsciously thinking “shit I want to make that money”. Again I don’t think that complaining about time wasters or talking about your rates is bragging (or talking about the accomplishments and goals achieving) and I think telling these women to stay quiet and attributing bad motives to their posts is unfair. AND it’s also absolutely important that we take active steps to support our sisters who are earning less, make sure their posts are equally engaged, speak to them respectfully and treat them kindly, and help by offering them resources and pointing out other organizations that might help them.

I saw/commented on this in the other post about this that prompted your post here. While I see your point and agree that maybe people (myself included) who comment in this sub are a little more privileged than the average SW, I honestly think you took it a little harshly and you’re hurt by a very US-centric take on this whole thing. You’re in the UK, you have a slightly different degree of risk you take and it effects the market and rates, but most people on here are Americans. Also, while the whorearchy sucks, some of the whole rate thing is because if girls undersell themselves it depresses rates in the area for everyone, and people get a little weird about that for obvious reasons. I get being in a bad position and getting through it with SW and I know it’s different because I’ve been there too, but I think the comments you saw earlier were actual concern about people underselling themselves, not some weird elitism thing. Anyone in the industry should know that screening isn’t 100% though, that’s not cool.

This is NOT a negative post. This is a post advocating for the Sex Workers no one talks about unless it’s to shame or blame them. These are the workers that us privileged workers need to be standing up for. The words that come out of our privileged mouths matter! Its fine if you choose not to be in service to those fellow workers but the least you can do is validate them and change YOUR views on the work you do. I’m sick of the whorephobia that still runs rampant in many areas of sex work.

THANK YOU. I will die on this fucking hill. We are all the same, and we are one client or one experimental drug phase or one traumatic event or one shady boyfriend away from being hurt, or on the street, or having a pimp, or working for dope money. $200/hour is more or less the average rate for an “average” middle-class (privileged, indoor) sex worker. The average middle-class sex worker doesn’t ask for ID, doesn’t take deposits. She won’t make money. And like you said, even they aren’t the actual average. I don’t know about the whole “the average sex worker doesn’t have a smartphone” thing— I think that might be a stretch— but you’re absolutely right about the fact that street workers and lower rate indoor ladies are more average than anyone else. I’m sick of these girls— who know damn well that their $400, $500, $600/hour rate is not “average”— acting like they aren’t low-key bragging about how “high-end” they are. I’m sick of the elitist circles of “high-end” providers on social media who don’t give new or lower rate providers the time of day. I’m sick of the posts on here that casually mention their clients who take them for a $10k lunch, as if most girls on here aren’t making FAR less than that a month while working their asses off. I’m not saying they shouldn’t talk about it. I’m not saying they aren’t sex workers too. I’m just saying, I think the sex worker community needs to be way, way more inclusive. And we all know the “lower” and “middle” class sex workers aren’t the exclusive, elitist ones. I’m sick of the shaming of providers who use drugs, the shaming of providers for whom sex work is a consequence of trauma, the shaming of providers who don’t have degrees/careers, the shaming of providers who don’t actually enjoy their job. How can we shame the women who represent us? Why do we pretend these aren’t the women who represent us, when they are? We’re all one decision, one tragedy, one loss, one client, or one shitty partner away from an addiction, from a trauma, from working on the street. Let’s fucking treat each other with the love, care and respect our sisters deserve.

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Post-act etiquette

Hi! I’ve had a couple of experiences with sex workers joining me in my hotel room. In both instances, after the act they hung around for a while and we chatted about our lives and whatnot. Both times this went a fair amount over the paid for time (by like 45m/1hr). I was happy to have the company, but I both didn’t want to take up their time without paying them (if that’s what was expected) and didn’t really want to pay them extra to just hang out with me. In both instances I feel like I created opportunities to allow them to leave if they wanted, by getting dressed, freshening up in the bathroom, allowing a lull in the conversation, etc. but I also didn’t want to be rude and genuinely enjoyed their time, so I didn’t offer signals that I wanted them to leave. I’m sure I’m overthinking this, but I want to be courteous. If a provider stays after the act, after the paid for time, can I assume that they’re just choosing to do so and there is not an expectation of additional payment beyond what was discussed? IIRC I did provide a tip shortly after we were intimate, so I don’t believe they were just waiting for that. Thanks!

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If they’re choosing to stay longer and it’s not you trying to extend your time together without additional payment, then I wouldn’t worry about it

I always used to say something like “Hey, our time’s nearly up, I don’t wanna keep you here if you’re busy”, as a courtesy, so I can be sure she knows and it’s her decision to stay longer.

Doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong. Honestly, just yesterday I was booked by a photographer for an hour paid shoot and I ended up staying an hour extra without additional pay because the location was absolutely gorgeous, the photographer was extremely kind/accommodating, and the pace of the shoot was chill AF. It was a lot easier than I had expected going in, so I didn’t even realize the time was flying by until the sun was setting.

If I feel a good connection and really enjoy the conversation and/or some good wine is being involved I am happy to stay an extra couple of minutes especially if it takes longer to my uber to arrive, rather chat and drink until it’s there.

I’m sure if they wanted to leave they would quickly look at their phone and pretend they got another booking. Guess they wanted to make most of the free food or drink.

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A note to broke customers

There’s a really nice restaurant near my house. It always smells AMAZING when I walk by, and all the people inside look like they’re having the best time. I won’t lie- I get a bit of FOMO walking past. I worked minimum wage for a long time, and never had the money to go spend 75$ on a steak and cocktail that would only last one meal. I really wanted to try their food once, so every day for months I saved my tips until I had enough to go eat there- and it was amazing. I got great service, the food was awesome, it was a wonderful night and well worth the time spent saving.

Here’s what I didn’t do. I didn’t skulk around the entryway for weeks, verbally harassing the staff and customers because they wouldn’t let me eat for free. I didn’t go into the restaurant, sit down, order, and then admit that I had no money to pay for it. I didn’t threaten to kill myself if they didn’t give me a free steak. I didn’t ask “what’s the cheapest thing on the menu?” and then haggle over that. I didn’t take to Yelp to write a horrible review simply because they didn’t feed me for free. Here’s what I did: When I was broke, I bought ramen. I didn’t like ramen, it was bland and not very personalized to my own tastes, but it was food and it did the job. But I ate it, and after months of eating ramen, I appreciated it so much more when I had the means to eat something better. I lived within my means, because my means are my own responsibility, and it isn’t the fault of the fancy, successful restaurant that I can’t eat what I want all the time. I, and all my fellow restaurants, thank you for your politeness.

Comments

I could not have said this better myself. It’s a LUXURY not a right. I could not have said this better myself. It’s a LUXURY not a right.

I always say my rates are for the experience. You get what you pay for. Incall is at my house in a nice area. Drug free, alcohol free, no pets or smoking in the house. I have men’s soaps and towels they can use when in the bathroom. I have 7 different lotions if they request that. I have non-latex rubbers. And I’m CLEAN. I also disinfect everything between clients. You want something cheaper? I guarantee she has all or some or at least one of these-STDs, drug use, drunk, dirty, smells like cigarettes, does bear with anyone just so she can get her next high. I then end with STAY HEALTHY!

As a slightly random aside: Ramen is delicious if you add an egg or two. Just straight in the boiling water for egg-drop ramen. Or soft boiled separately if you wanna get fancy. Maybe some furikake. Cheap, great macronutrient profile (if a smallish ramen), and tastes amazing! Not the (excellently made) point of the post, I know, but I just wanted to say.

Literally have people DEMANDING free sexting sessions with “it’s not that hard, girls give this stuff away for free”. Well if it ain’t that hard, why not go seek these girls out???

Perfect analogy! And just like at restaurants, we hope you come hungry and thirsty and leave oh-so satisfied, good manners are preferred (try not to be too messy an eater), and tips for excellent service are always appreciated.

I love how you broke it down so all the cheap assholes can understand/ I wish they could get this through their head. Shit I always wonder what gives guys the guts to message us all day but when talk of payment come up all of a sudden they can’t read nor do math.

Yess!! I absolutely love this. I had a similar thing i said to ppl that “bUt THeRe iS frEe PoRn…” or course there is. But that is like comparing going to McDonald’s and a nice restaurant. Sure you eat at mcd but you aren’t going to get quality service. Dinning at a nice restaurant is an experience. The staff checks on you, talks to you, makes sure everything is to your liking. You aren’t going to get that with free porn on the internet.

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Had my first Female client today

Just to preface this I am pretty much “straight for pay” I identify as bisexual but have a strong presence for women & rarely like men in my personal life. A couple weeks ago a young woman (mid-twenties) hit me up for an appointment, explaining she was a virgin and had never really been with anyone before and wanted to book me to experiment and see if she liked women. She went through the screening process without complaint, asked questions that were appropriate and was super nice about me telling her like how a session goes and everything like that since she’s never done anything sexual before. I was super surprised but I actually think it’s a great idea for people to experiment with sex workers cuz it’s a safe environment with no judgement or expectations. So she booked me for three hours, she had to reschedule once because the original date we had planned she ended up being on her cycle but I obviously understood. She told me she chose me out of it her profiles because we are the same height & seemed to have similar interests. So our appointment was today- 3 hours is a long time for any appointment, but she planned for the first hour or so to be just talking and drinking wine and kind of hanging out to get her comfortable. Also, apart from overnights I love never really done a session more than two hours so it was exciting for me and a big pay day also so I was happy to hear she wanted so long. She was super responsive as far as confirmation and everything and followed my rules to when it came to arriving and stuff like that. So she comes in, we end up drinking and talking for about two hours and it was pretty fun we really hit it off I think. Then we get into the nitty gritty of the last hour, she seemed to really enjoy it considering she never even kissed anyone before our appointment. I actually made friends with her which I never do with my clients apart from professional relationships. Anyways it was just overall a really great session and I just wanted to share a positive story since we usually just share negatives

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OMG this is my absolute dream client! I wish this could happen to me at some point! It’s only ever been men, and, gosh, as a lesbian (completely straight-for-pay here as well!) I so wish I could have a female client at some point. Finally, a client I might actually be mildly attracted to! Positive stories in this sub always make me so happy and this is such a nice one! I’m so glad it went well!

I’ve never had a female client. I get couples asking all the time and a few calls from women but nothing ever set in stone. I think they are apprehensive much like myself. for me the choice to avoid them is the awkward factor. I know men to a T and have confidence with them and know all the right techniques but women not so much. I feel like it would take longer and be more difficult only because I know myself. and since it’s not common I don’t have practice like I do with men. does anyone else feel the same way or differently?

I’m so fucking jealous. I’m a lesbian and am totally repulsed by male clients. I’ve been trying to find female clients forever. I’m working on getting more into just online work and real estate because I literally can’t stand male bodies lol.

I’m so fucking jealous. I’m a lesbian and am totally repulsed by male clients. I’ve been trying to find female clients forever. I’m working on getting more into just online work and real estate because I literally can’t stand male bodies lol.

I’m so happy for you!! My very first overnight booking was with a trans girl and it was the best booking I ever had, she was lovely and dreamy and the intimacy was so so good

This sounds like a dream come true. Hasn’t even kissed anyone?? She must have been homeschooled/sheltered/religious. Was it fun for you? Was she a pillow princess or did she want to play with you? Could she kiss or touch really? No worries if you don’t kiss or tell, this just sounds like a story that might want to write about now

I want this and am also terrified of this happening to me! I adore duos but it’s been a long time since I’ve been with a woman one on one, and I feel like I’d be a mess. What if the technique I’m used to would be all wrong for her? What if my duo partners are just making happy noises the whole time and I’ve lost my touch over the years? (Ladies, you know the noises, the happy duo noises.) I think about this ALL THE TIME. Part of me is dying for a female client just to find out where I’m at, honestly. And because god, I love women.

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I (F25) want to move out of living with bf (M36) – unsure of what to do with relationship

I (f25) am feeling the urge to move out, try living on my own and/or with my best friend. Currently I live with my bf (m35) of 7 years, we have lived together for ~4.5 years. I went straight from living with my mom and siblings to living with him, and although there are some minor problems in the relationship, living together and our relationship has been going generally well. It just feels stale for me. And I’m really aching for my own space. I’ve always been a pretty introverted person, and I’m up until about 2 years ago I didn’t have more than 1 friend, so most of our time would be spent together. Over the past year I have really branched out, made new friends and reconnected with my former best friend, and started spending time with them and doing my own thing. He has been getting more jealous and insecure, probably because he got used to me being kind of a loner. But I don’t want to waste my 20’s living under a rock, and regret later in life that I didn’t live for me and do things that are fun with friends. He really loves me, and I’ve mentioned the thought of me moving out once before and he didn’t really like the idea. he said it would be hard on our relationship. But I truly believe staying living together will be hard on our relationship. He talks about the future, where we are going to live down the line, but whenever he brings the future up I get really anxious, because I feel like I’m unsure if I can see myself committing to a life together at this point. I feel like there is a lot of growing I need to do independently. I need to struggle a little and find out who I am and what I really want. He had most of his 20’s before he met me to do what he wanted, live with friends, live on his own, date different people, stay out as late as he wants with no one concerned or jealous that he is out, and now he is ready to settle down. I love him, and we are compatible in a lot of ways… but I don’t know if I can continue and just skip over that part of my life. I am now halfway through my 20’s and have never lived alone or with a roomie. I want to experience that… part of me wants to experience being single in my 20’s – how do I know if I want to spend the rest of my life with someone without seeing what being with another person is like? I just want the freedom to say yes to everything anyone invites me to, without having to consider someone else. I just want to have a clean space without someone adding mess. I just want to be able to go out without someone at home feeling jealous/insecure. I don’t want to break his heart, but I know this will. Am I a terrible person? Could he possibly understand? I feel really bad for feeling this way, but I feel like I just really need to move out and focus on myself.

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Edit: age gap aside, what is your perspective? How would you go about this?

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It’s hard to put the age gap aside when a majority of your issues are directly related to the fact that you started dating a grown man when you were only 18. You’re feeling like you missed out on enjoying your youth, because you are. You don’t feel ready to settle down and plan a future, because you never got the opportunity to figure out who you are as an individual – something he had 10 years to do before he met you. This relationship feels wrong to you because it’s wrong. You say you want to live alone/be single so you don’t have someone waiting around for you, being jealous, or having to answer to them before making a decision. I started dating my husband when we were both 23 and I never felt like I needed to check with him before saying yes to an invite with friends. He never made me feel guilty for doing things without him. We both love spending time together but are also people outside of this relationship. That’s what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. You keep defending this guy and his choice to date you when you were so young, I get that you love him and don’t want to see him in such a bad light. Maybe he didn’t force you to date him and you feel like you made these decisions for yourself, but the bottom line is he should have known better and stayed away from you the second he realized your age. A better guy would have let you enjoy your youth and find yourself in life, a better guy would have realized that issues like this would eventually arise down the line. Instead, he probably saw this as an opportunity to be with someone who didn’t have much going on for themselves, meaning he could be the #1 priority in your life – which sounds like is exactly what he did. Stop wasting your time, this isn’t going anywhere positive. Break up and live your life. You’ll look back on this in a few years and realize how wrong it was for him to have stayed with you. I’m sure you’ll find a guy in no time and it’ll be easier with him.

I hate to second this, but I have to. Speaking from experience, it only gets harder as you move forward. You might get married, buy a house, have kids, all the while you’re getting older too and what you perceive as missed opportunities will mount up and build a lot of resentment. I met my husband when I was 22 and he was 42. We moved pretty fast, mostly because he didn’t want to be in retirement age when his kids graduate high school (and I agreed). I jumped at the opportunity of having stability, someone who was very upfront and direct about his intentions and who idolized me. I convinced myself that age was just a number. I was too young to see how much I was giving up. The career of my dreams is just not going to happen anymore, which is a bitter pill to swallow while I watch my husband build his career. I watch my peers pass me by, building careers AND having kids in equal partnerships without such a vast imbalance of power. Ten years and three kids later I feel like I aged abruptly, my physical and mental health aren’t the same and I’m starting to realize I won’t be getting it back, or the years that have passed. I can’t remember the last time I felt light and free. It’s not like I didn’t get anything in return, but I simply didn’t realize the price. I’m not saying at all that it would take a similar course with OP, but since she already feels like she’s missing out. It might work wonderfully for someone whose dream it is to live a domestic life, one day become a SAHM and have a provider who’s already established himself. But that wasn’t me, and it doesn’t sound like it’s OP either.

Entering a relationship with anyone means making yourself vulnerable to pain — both parties are essentially agreeing to the possibility of being hurt by the other. In this situation, you may very well be the one to break his heart, and that’s hard — it’ll be hard for him and it’ll be hard for you. On the other hand, he could be the one to break up with you, and cause you that pain. Most people enter relationships with the best intentions, but you can’t predict how life will go. That said, no, you’re not a terrible person. You were in a relationship with a man and you cared for him but it turns out it might not be the enduring relationship you thought it would be. This is normal, especially for someone so young. 25 might not feel young, but considering you started dating him when you were 18, a part of you in this relationship is a young person. You’ve probably changed a lot since you first started dating and have seemingly outgrown this relationship — totally fine, totally normal. The most important relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself. You already know what you want to do: you want to move out, you want to experience a different life. Trust yourself. Don’t try to talk yourself out of what you know you want. Breaking up with this man will be hard, but staying with him seems like it might be even harder, in the long term.

I get you’re asking for the HOW. I think that’s a good approach. Your feelings are valid and it’s your life to live as you choose. Relationships don’t tend to go backwards. That’s okay. Tell him it’s not working for you the way things are. You’re making this choice because it’s best for you and don’t give him reasons to argue or debate. That will just derail you from your end goal of disentangling. It will be hard and painful. Be prepared for the conversation to be hard and be prepared, just in case, for him to react poorly. Tell your friends when and where you’re having the convo so if they don’t hear from you they can check on you. Hopefully you won’t need any of that but you never know.

I met a man who was going to turn 37 in a month on my 20th birthday. I stayed with him until I was 28.5. I grew as a person (as most people do in their 20s), he did not. Our finances were so intermingled, I didn’t drive, I was engaged, I was deeply rooted into his family. You know what finally snapped me and made me be serious about leaving? Buying a house. The world shrunk in on me, and I realized I needed to be myself. I just turned 33. These last 4.5 years were a time of healing for me. I’m making my 30s even better than my 20s could have been. Move out. Break things off. You’ll be happier before you know it. 💜💜💜. All the best to you.

This is a normal part of growing up, to want different things at different stages of your life. It is also normal that over several years, you and your partner would not want the same things in the relationship (or in life) anymore. Maybe he was a good fit for you a few years ago but now there’s a mismatch. It is possible that your relationship could survive your moving out…but it doesn’t seem likely. Be grateful for the good things about the last several years and move on to building your best life. Thank you, next!

If someone came up to you ON FIREand you ran to get a bucket, how are you going to react if they go “oh, being on fire aside, do I look ok?” Girl. You’re burning. He’s a creep manipulator at minimum and if you knew each other before 18 then he’s a pedo. The main issue is the controlling nature that comes along with older people that target <21 year olds. Only creeps do it if they’re more than 5 years older. After 21 you have more life experience if you got to experience life (which you really didn’t because he squirreled you away) so age gaps are more acceptable. But you…. you are a textbook victim of power dynamic.

Age gap aside…. Imagine you’re having this conversation with your best friend who you’ve just reconnected with. Think about the other things you have put in your post. He’s jealous when you are out with friends. Unless you’re out 3+ nights a week and neglecting your relationship or putting financial stain on your household, then he really doesn’t get to make you feel bad for going out and enjoying a social life. He doesn’t like that your social circle is expanding. Could that be because he’s worried you’ll realise that are better options out there? Or that you’re not ready to settle down and live the life he wants you to have. He’s planning your future when you want to enjoy and experience the here and now. It really does sound like you are at different stages in life, which can happen in any relationship with any age gap. If you settle now you will come to regret it and resentment will build. I think you need to take a step back and really think about what it is you want. You might love each other a lot, but that doesn’t mean you are right for each other.

As someone who let my ex live with me for almost 3 years after asking her to leave (she moved in 2 months into the relationship out of “desperation”) because of guilt, I feel SO MUCH BETTER now that she’s out of my house. She screamed. She argued for hours. She hit me. She threw up everywhere. She had panic attacks. Migraines that kept us up all night for almost 2 weeks straight. I’d still suffer through all of it again. Just be prepared he will fight you on it. You’re in a better position than I was since you will be the one moving, opposed to kicking him out. But prepare to see a side of him you never saw before when you tell him this is the way, and most importantly DONT MAKE IT A CONVERSATION. make it informative and walk away. My biggest mistake was trying to explain myself for hours and argue against her for HOURSSSS. Also. Keep your phone on you. If he starts getting wild start recording and hold your phone up to your chest to protect yourself legally.

Just do what you’re feeling. Tell your partner you want to try living on your own for a while. Trial separation, whatever. You’ve never done that but that’s what your gut is telling you. He should understand and if it’s 100% true love, y’all can go back to your current situation after your experiment.

OK, ask your friends if you can crash for a little while. See if you can find a couch, or a spare bedroom or see if somebody is looking for a roommate. The idea is try to find a place right now, so if you feel like you need to leave now do you have your chat with him, you can. Next, sit down with him as an adult, tell him you care for him, but say the exact same things you said here. You never had an opportunity to live on your own, you may be want to make a decision without having to consult somebody else, or maybe go out with a friend, without worrying about him being home waiting for you. Also tell him that you’re not ready for to progress the relationship into something more serious. You want it to be something less serious right now so if you can just be a 20-something year old.

You’re not a bad person for wanting to have some life experiences independent of your boyfriend. I hear you that you don’t want us to focus on the age gap, but from the outside this really does seem to be the issue. It’s not that your relationship or your love is invalid because of the age gap – they are valid. But the issue you are describing is a common symptom of this much of a gap at your ages. And you’re explaining it too I’m your own words – you’re each at different stages in your life, one of you ready to settle down, the other still needing to experience the world and get to know herself. So if you both want to stay together despite your age gap, then you have to find ways to deal with the symptoms of the age gap. Right? And your partner needs to be willing to work together with you on addressing them, not just expect you to force yourself to try to jump forward in life to catch up to where he is. If this dude wants to date a girl 10 years younger than him, he needs to understand that he doesn’t own you or your development and that your love for him doesn’t obligate you to suppress your needs and desires. Explain that you love him and you are committed to a partnership but that right now you are not ready to settle down for good and that you need some time on your own. Most importantly, make sure you (and your subconscious) fully understand that you are not seeking your partner’s permission for anything ever. A partner does not have authority over you. You can discuss how it will feel for him when you move out or what sorts of agreements would help keep the relationship strong for both of you. But if he tries to make you feel like you’re not free to make this decision, just do it anyway. Take a break from the relationship while you transition if that’s what it takes. You can always get back together once you’ve individuated, if it’s what you both really want.

Break up. You were way too young to get into that relationship. Now you’ve realized there’s more out there to experience. To him, and to most anyone else, moving out is a step back in the relationship. It’s a warning you are not as sure about him. This will “ruin” your relationship. If I ignore your age gap when you first started dating, either of you are not bad or wrong. Just not right for each other at your points in life.

You will absolutely break up if you move out and that’s okay, I just don’t think you should expect him to be okay with that. You are clearly in different places in life and he is 36, all the stuff you want to put off, he’s probably more than ready for. Moving out puts this thing he wants to be closer to even farther away. You’re going in different directions. Even if you do stay together at first, your desire to be single or at least live like your single will end the relationship. You can’t expect anyone to stand back and wait for you like that. Just break up with him and move on so he can to.

I know you’re trying to ask us to set the age gap aside but I think a lot of these issues are a direct result of the age gap and where you’re at in your life in comparison to him. I’m gonna share my story with you. When I was 22 I started dating a 27-year-old. I was focused on getting back in school and getting my life back on track after leaving an abusive relationship with a man I’d lived with since i was 19. He was 27 with a full time job, a degree, and was looking towards the next stage in his life. Within the first year there were problems. I’d made it very clear from the beginning i had no intention of living with him anytime soon, CERTAINLY not signing a lease with him. I’d done the “move in too soon” story and I wasn’t about to replay that nightmare again anytime soon. Regardless, 6 months in he was telling me he “expected” us to be living together within the following 6 months. I told him he could pound sand so he eventually moved into a space on his own that he paid rent on and I shared the utilities/groceries when I moved in later. We also had a lot of issues with things related to me going back to school. He wanted to go to Japan before he turned 30 and wanted me to save thousands of dollars up to go with him. Which if I was in the same stage of life as him would have been reasonable and easy, but I was a full time college student with a part time job and bills of my own to pay. I’d also made it VERY clear I didn’t want to see an engagement ring until I was out of school, which he rankled at and later flat out ignored when he asked my dad’s permission to propose knowing I was more than a year out from the end of school. He also expected to know where I was at any time. If I was leaving work and missed a call because I was chatting with a friend for a half hour, he’d call another 6 times and text asking where I was. Sure, he had anxiety, but I was 25. Too old to have someone keeping tabs on me and too young to have someone that level of worried about where I was and when I’d be home. At 26 I broke up with him and started dating someone who was 24. You’d be amazed at the difference it makes being in the same stage in life as your partner. I went to England for 2 weeks with my best friend without him. I could go out without having to check in. I got to behave like a mid-20s person for the first time and it was so freeing. And this relationship has grown with us. I’m now 30 and we live together with a cat. We do more adult couple things but we still have our own lives. We sat together on the couch the other night discussing what a proposal might look like and how we want our marriage to be structured when we get there. Neither one of us feels like we’re being rushed into that stage of our lives because we had the space to grow together into the next stage. It definitely feels like this relationship isn’t serving you in the way you need now. And that’s ok. One of the parts of growing up is learning a relationship doesn’t need to be “bad” for it not to serve you, and that that’s a completely reasonable justification for ending it. Several of my friends found dating SO much easier after reaching that realization and many of us found that the next partner we dated following that was the one we expect to be with for the long haul. You’re 25. You’re too young to feel stuck like this already and I applaud you for wanting to find the kindest way to get to the freedom you need.

You say several times in multiple ways you want to be single. You don’t need permission to break up with him. My ex-husband is 12 years older than me. Before I married him a professor told me not to let him steal my youth. I knew it was a bad idea, but I did it anyway. Listen to your gut. You are not happy. I know because you say it.

I understand, but keep in mind if you move out, that’s the end of the relationship. I highly doubt he would be fine just hanging around waiting while you party. Curious on the gender of the bff you want to live with. If it’s a guy double done on this relationship. So I guess you have to decide if being wild and free for a bit is worth ending something that you say is good but stale. You may really regret it when you find out the party and free lifestyle is super sad and empty in the end and see his wedding photos to someone else.

I think you should 100% move out. The age gap is somewhat relevant as he has been able to experience things that you haven’t, whereas you haven’t had the experience of living in your own space. It’s highly likely that if you don’t, the desire to do it will fester and you’ll end up doing it anyway, but you’ll be that bit older. I’m speaking from direct experience here. I met my ex-husband when I was just 20, and he was 16 years older than me. Yeah, probably a huge mistake, and wrong on so many levels of course. I ended up leaving him, only we had a son together by that stage (we broke up after 12 years together). My son is my world and I don’t regret having him for a second (he’s now 15yo and a beautiful young man). But in reality it was a mistake to even move in with him. I’m the first to admit to having had daddy issues when I was younger. Move out, experience life and you won’t regret it. Trust me.

So you basically just turned 18 and moved in with a grown adult man who was 30? You didn’t get to live your life. You missed out on crucial formative years, and that feeling caught up to you. Break up with him and start your actual life. This isn’t living.

I started dating my now-husband when I was 19 and he was 22 (so, not such a crazy age gap.) When I was 22 and he was 25 I felt the need to spend some time being single since I hadn’t really experienced it. He was amazing. Despite being obviously upset, he moved out (and even paid his share of the rent for the next month.) We would meet once a month but other than that didn’t really speak. I didn’t know if we would ever get back together but after 8 months decided to give it another go. The time apart made me more comfortable committing to him because I knew I could do it on my own, I just preferred my life with him in it.

So you’re just a few years away from the age your boyfriend was when you started dating. How does the thought of dating an 18-year-old seem to you? Also, the amount of maturing that happens between 18 to 25 can be exponential. For me, I’m a completely different person and I know a lot of people would say the same. I want to add, as someone in their 40s, don’t let yourself have only regrets to look back on. Your 20s are for having fun.

I didn’t have what you are thinking about doing. I am older now and regret not being tied down to someone when I was in my 20’s. That is the time to be free. If it’s meant to be, you will find each other again, but honestly, probably not. Follow your instincts here. Be brave.

It’s not the age GAP that’s the problem per se. My parents have a similar age gap, and I think it’s been mostly fine, but they didn’t start dating when my mom was a teenager. Your boyfriend started dating someone barely legal when he was in his late 20s and more than 50% older than you. Even if he isn’t predatory and controlling (and honestly he does sound controlling, what with preferring when you had less of a social life and the worrying/jealously now that you go out more) that isn’t necessarily helpful for your development as an adult. Many people have some time when they’re living in a college dorm, with roommates, etc. while they date before they move in together, or at least they’re at a similar stage in life to their partner so they’re figuring things out together rather than being advised by someone with a DECADE more of life experience while they are still learning how to be adults. Obviously if I had a live-in partner I’d be very concerned if they wanted to move out, so I don’t exactly blame him for that. But you shouldn’t feel guilty for dumping him and he doesn’t *need* to understand. He doesn’t have veto power over whether or not you stay in the relationship and you can’t sacrifice your life to his feelings.

Moving out after living with him for 4.5 years will come across to everyone as breaking up with him. This would include him. This urge to move out is probably your subconscious telling you to get out while you still can, either because you’re less happy than you think you are or because you are afraid to commit to the next step when you feel inexperienced compared to him. This is maybe one of the biggest reasons why large age gaps can be detrimental to a relationship. You are still trying to find yourself and want to build more relationships with your friends and support system. He wants to get married and start having kids because he’s in his mid-thirties and that’s a big part of what people do at that age. Honestly if you aren’t at the same place in life and ready to settle down then moving out might be the best thing for both of you but I don’t think the relationship will survive it. Better now than when you have kids.

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I (18F) caught my dad (42M) having sex with my boyfriend (18M) and now I don’t know what to do, help?

My mother (40F) and father got a divorce just over a year ago, it was a calm, mutual and civil divorce. Even though it was sad for me, as long as they were happy I was okay. On weekdays (Monday – Friday) I live with my mother, as it is closer to my school, and on Friday nights I go to stay with my dad for the weekend. My boyfriend lives just a 5-minute walk from my dad’s house, so he comes over a lot to hang out. This is important to know for the story. It was Friday morning and there was a gas inspection, so school let out early. Most of my stuff was already at my dad’s house so I headed straight there. When I got there I saw my dad’s car in the drive so I knocked on the door but no one answered, luckily I had a key so I let myself in. I called out for my dad and still no answer. I walked upstairs and opened his bedroom door to find him and my boyfriend on the bed butt naked. I was in shock and disbelief, they were in shock as well, I guess they thought I would still be at school and didn’t think I would be home. I didn’t know what to do so I just ran into the bathroom and locked the door. My boyfriend ran after me and called out from outside the door but I just ignored him. He waited for a while but then he left to go home. My dad came to the door and said he would be waiting downstairs when I am ready to talk. There was a silence in the house for a long while until I heard the muffled sounds of the TV. Then I quietly unlocked the door, grabbed my coat and shoes and went downstairs. My dad looked at me and asked where I was going and I told him I was going to stay with my mom for the night. I watched his face turn sad and kinda disappointed. He said that we needed to talk but I said that I needed space to think as he was just in doggie position with my boyfriend. I assured him that I would keep what happened to myself for now. Then I headed out. When I got home my mom was surprised to see me and asked why I was there, I just made up some lame excuse and went up to my room. I just laid on my bed in silence thinking. Now everything started to add up. Even though my mom and dad divorced, they both cheated, my mother with a co-worker (who she is now dating) and my mother found texts between my dad and some person. She said that the name under the texts was a male name but we just assumed it was a fake name to cover up the fact that he was cheating, but now I am thinking that it could’ve been my boyfriend.

There was another time where my boyfriend, dad and I were having dinner and my dad touched my leg with his foot. I looked up to him to see him staring at my boyfriend then I jokingly said ‘ew why did you touch my leg with your foot.’ And he just said he thought I was the table leg. I brushed it off because I also rub my foot on table legs at times, but I now I think that he trying play footsies with my boyfriend. I started to get a sick feeling in my stomach as I realised that my boyfriend has just turned 18, I have no idea of the duration of this “relationship” but this could mean that my dad was having sex with a minor. I have never see signs of pedophilia but now I don’t know what to think anymore. This is just two heartbreaks in one, my boyfriend is gay and cheating on me with my dad. We have been together for 2 years. I have no idea what to do.

Disclaimer: I have nothing against gay people or anyone part of the lgbtq community, I want my dad to love who he wants freely, but it just sucks that he is having sex with my boyfriend. Now I am lost, should I tell my mom the truth as she has been lied to for ages? Should I confront my dad about the situation? How should I move forward with my boyfriend? Friday is coming up and I am not sure I am ready to face my dad yet. Help!

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End your relationship with your boyfriend. That relationship has no chance of being repaired. Tell your mom everything. She is best suited to help guide you through this horrible time. I’m terribly sorry you have to deal with this.

Tell your mother what happened but your relationship with your father will probably never be the same again. This is not the type of thing you easily come back from. As to your boyfriend, that relationship is over.

I believe in the end you need to tell your Mom, there is a (custody? -) agreement in place after all. Tell her you don’t want to go stay with your Dad for a while (until you maybe feel more comfortable around him and had “that talk”, but don’t force yourself). With regards to your boyfriend, he’s in the past and he’s lied to you… also… obviously he slept with both men and women or man and woman (I have no clue) so maybe get some tests done to check if you are okay at least health-wise? But after all, you need maybe help processing this all, this is an absolute shock you need to deal with. But first you Mom and decide together with her how to proceed from then on. If your boyfriend was in fact a minor when this started, that’s a whole other story. You would need proof… but first things first, open up to your Mom.

Your boyfriend and dad do not deserve a place in your life after this. This is betrayal and you don’t owe them silence or respect. Tell the people who care about you so you can heal. I would also recommend cutting off your dad and moving out. He pursued a relationship with your partner of 2 years. If he’s capable of hurting you like this once, what’s to keep him from doing it again? You deserve so much more from the people you love.

You need to tell your mom and to not go back there. She should be the one to confront your dad and comfort you. You need to get an STI/STD test in case you had sex with your boyfriend and he has anything or caught something from your dad. Before you ghost him; Text or call your boyfriend to find out how long this has been going on, I’m not saying for you to stay with him only to hear his side of things in case he was groomed or something happened when he was underage. If it’s possible for you maybe look into therapy or talking to some at school or a trusted adult. I’m really sorry this happening OP

Your dad is a POS. HE has been sleeping with a Minor and has NO QUALMS sharing your bf with you! No Shame and No Guilt AT ALL! DONT LET HIM PLAY VICTIM and sell you some sad stories about the not able to be himself (gay) openly or what not. I suggest to go NC on your DAD for life.

Definitely speak to your mother. You’ve been betrayed by two of the most important people in your life and you need support while you work through your feelings and decide what you want to do. I’d suggest not seeing or speaking to either of them till you know what that is. It doesn’t help much, but your BF isn’t necessarily gay, but he may not have figured himself out yet.

Your dad knew he would hurt you massively by doing this and he chose to do it anyway. He happily betrayed you because having sex was more important. He’s a creep and you can never trust him (or bring any partner around him again). I would honestly go no contact with him, at least for now while you get your thoughts in order. He didn’t even own up to it, he’d still be cheating if you hadn’t caught them. I’d block them both.

Your dad is an old man and should’ve known better to do that to his own daughter. Your bf is a pos for doing that to you. Ditch them both and stay with your mom. Tell your mom because no one’s really gonna know what it’s like your mom. I hope things work out for you and you may need some therapy

I wish more people would treat this the way they would if this were a heterosexual situation; I know it feels like you’re trying extra hard not to be homophobic, but that shouldn’t matter right now… it is equally awful and okay to be disgusted about. What matters is that your dad and boyfriend BETRAYED you (especially your dad, because he should love and support you unconditionally) in one of the worst ways you can betray someone. Your dad not only needs therapy because he is having sex with people much younger than you, but because he pursued someone his family member/child was dating. This shows zero to little regard for others. YOU need therapy because seeing your parent have sex with your significant other is traumatic. I would go very low to no contact with your dad, and frankly would only agree to speak with him in front of a family therapist of your choosing.

The boyfriend- break up and never see him again. The father- honestly I’d never see him again either. He cared so little about you that he was fine hurting you so he could have a bit of fun. Your father also manipulated a teen for sex. Make no mistake – your father is a predator. He’s fine with targeting impressionable teens to convince them for sex. This is no different than if your mom had been caught with your BF. It’s an absolute betrayal. And the fact that your BF was over before you would be home means he intentionally was there for your dad so it wasn’t like it was “one thing led to another”. This was absolutely intentional. I would never be able to speak to my father again. The line he gave you: “we need to talk” – no, no you don’t have to ever talk to him again unless you want to. He did something most people would find unforgivable. He really decided betraying his child to get his dick some action was fine behavior. He was fine usingyou as a cover to fuck a teenager. Tell your mother. You don’t owe secrecy to your father.

I don’t generally believe in outing someone, but I also think your dad is disgusting for having sex with your boyfriend. What kind of parent goes after their child’s partner? You should definitely tell your mom everything you told us. This is not your shame to bear in silence.

You need to tell your mum what happened, she needs to know your dad is probably a predator (and I don’t say that lightly). It depends on how long this relationship has been going on whether he is or not. Even so the age difference is very disturbing. Obviously you need to finish your relationship with your boyfriend, but remember, he may be a ‘victim’ in this, groomed by your dad for maybe as long as you’ve known each other or longer if they’ve known each other longer. I’m even wondering whether it’s worth mentioning to his parents in case he has been groomed. Whatever, they’ve both betrayed you horribly. I certainly wouldn’t be staying at your dads house any more after his disgusting betrayal and behaviour. Obviously nothing wrong with being gay, but not with his daughter’s boyfriend. What an utterly depraved thing to do. I’m even wondering OP, please update us on what happens

Tell your mom. Do not feel bad about doing anything that might hurt your dad or boyfriend if it’s to keep you emotionally and physically safe and stable, that cannot be your concern right now. make sure you are safe, and have the support you need to get through this terrible situation. Depending on bf’s parental situation, his parents need to be informed as well, your mom can help you navigate that. They should know their son has been groomed by a 42-year-old grown-ass man. What the fuck.

This is awful and shocking and gross and a million other things, and it’s got to be overwhelming. Tell your mom, go no contact with your BF, and live with your mom full time for a while, if not permanently. I’m going to leave your BF out of the equation for now – this is an unimaginable betrayal by your dad. I’m very sorry you’ve had to experience this. I’d suggest getting counseling. Also – understand that you don’t owe your dad anything. You don’t need to do anything to make him feel better about his awful actions. This is inexcusable behavior and reveals your dad’s lack of morals, ethics and character. Take care of yourself, and don’t keep this in. Let your mom (or someone) help you.

Regardless of gender, people fall out of love. Mental health struggles just make parsing it all out harder. Personally, I’ve been pretty low sometimes. Even if I do express that I’m tired of being alive, I never would use that as a weapon to manipulate. That is not ok. That’s abuse. That’s my own shit. My ex cut me loose as I was literally on the verge of a nervous breakdown. It turns out it was the best thing for me. The abuse I didn’t see happening was mentally breaking me and triggering me to be a shitty abusive person in return. But the domestic violence counselors pointed out after a couple of sessions that they couldn’t continue, and I needed to leave “a month ago.” We keep in touch, but it was healthiest for everyone for that to end.

Honestly, your father doesn’t love or respect you, nor should you give him love and respect. Not only would I personally cut contact, but I would make sure he never groomed another young boy. Maybe bring it up with your Ex-boyfriend’s parents. I think, depending on the age of your bf and statute of limitations, his parents can bring charges up against him (if they had been talking since he was 16 or 17). Tell your mum everything. You have no obligation to hold your father’s secret when he purposely used that secret to become sexually active with your bf. You deserve to share your truth. I would also get tested for STDs and the like. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but you will make it out of this. Good luck

Tell your mother. She can help you navigate the situation. You don’t need to face your dad, now or ever really. He broke your trust and betrayed you then seems more worried about the truth getting out than your feelings. He used you to cover up his actions and behavior. You don’t move forward with your bf. This relationship will not survive. You need to focus on how you move on from, not with your bf. Lastly, I think your bf’s parents should possibly be told. Seems if your mom found texts dating from over a year ago, which is most likely your bf who just turned 18, that your dad groomed him as a minor. It’s not an issue of if your bf is gay, it’s an issue of if your dad started a “relationship” with a minor.

I understand you were in shock, but you DO NOT owe your Dar any consideration or silence. If this has been going on for two years that means your Dad groomed your bf and had sex with a minor. He is not a safe person anymore. He never was but luckily for you, you are the wrong gender. You need to tell your Mother immediately. Every parent hopes their child will come to them when they are going through hard things. Please trust your mother. She will take care of this.

It’s sad OP because you have two betrayals of trust here. Your father, who should be there for you all throughout your life betrayed you, by violating your trust and destroying your relationship. Your boyfriend betrayed your trust, by cheating on you and thus destroying your relationship. Both relationships are forever damaged. I would recommend that you get some therapy for this OP, as it’s pretty traumatic stuff.

For a start you realise your dad was so insistent on talking with you because he’s trying to minimise the damage this does to his relationships with people and his image publicly. I’m presuming that he isn’t particularly concerned with his relationship with you because he wouldn’t be fucking your boyfriend if he cared that much about it. His “sad and slightly disappointed” face can go fuck itself, he committed one of the worst crimes a person can do to their kid and has forfeited any expectation of forgiveness and consideration from you. He is morally bankrupt. Dump the boyfriend, obviously. His cheating on you cannot be forgiven especially in this situation. He has betrayed you and was happy to do so as long as you didn’t find out. He doesn’t care for you enough to have avoided everything that has happened, even if you excuse his youth the chance of your father grooming him while he was underage, the fact is your relationship will not survive this no matter what you or anyone else does. Tell your mother. You need to have an adult on your side and this is going to come out anyway, you need to be able to stop lying to people to protect your dad and ex-bf, it will only muddy the water and give them a chance to construct some shitty excuse or counter-story to explain why you are cutting them both off. Despite how hurt you are; you need to at least put the truth out there so that you can stop having to hide how you feel around people. Also, YOU are the only one who gets to decide how you feel and react to this. Don’t listen to the “but family” apologists, you have been grievously betrayed by two of the closest people to you, and should you decide this is unforgivable, then it is. You have no duty to repair the relationship between you and anyone else, they have broken it, they get to live with the consequences, which you decide. Lastly, protect your mental health by giving yourself as much distance as you need from anyone who tries to interfere. You are the only one who knows how you feel and how you want to proceed, listen to your feelings and act on them. Take help from anyone who is supportive of you, and ignore anyone who wants to tell you how you feel.

I think your dad is struggling with his sexuality and your mom probably knows more than she’s letting on. As for your boyfriend, he’s probably coming to terms with his sexuality, he’s at the age where he’s coming to terms as to whether he’s gay or bisexual. You need to have a talk and tell your mom what happened.

If I were you I would have a conversation with my boyfriend first. I would ask him to tell me how long this has been going on. At least then you’ll have verification of how old your boyfriend was when your father started sexually grooming him. Then I would go to my mother and tell her and then ask her to go the police with you and tell them. Because make no mistake your father is grooming your boyfriend. The age difference alone puts your father in a position of power and he knows better than to do what he’s doing. There’s also the fact that he hid it from you and now he wants to talk about it. Does he have any kind of idea how traumatizing this is for you? Does he even give a shit? Because it certainly doesn’t seem like it.

Well this is a story you don’t typically expect to see. Definitely break up with your boyfriend, no explanation could make that one right. Would keep your distance and not trust your dad? Whether you want to tell others what happened is your choice, but I recommend telling a trusted friend or get a therapist to talk this out with. I don’t think it’s good to keep this just to yourself. Get yourself tested for STIs, you have no idea if your dad or BF have been sleeping with others as well. Sorry this happened to you. On the bright side, good thing you caught this now versus later. Things will get better over time!

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I (F25) want to move out of living with bf (M36) – unsure of what to do with relationship

I (18F) caught my dad (42M) having sex with my boyfriend (18M) and now I don’t know what to do, help?

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